Conversations With (That BDSM Quiz) God

That BDSM quiz is like trying to figure out your inner darkness using a dim sum menu. You tick off a certain number of dishes until you have enough to make up a meal. It doesn’t ask for context, which should make it embarrassed enough, but as a stats undergrad, it makes the shivers on my goosebumps…ehm…shiver? In a bad way. Around 100 questions turn up about 30 fetish results. As a questionnaire design, <twitch> that’s <tic> just a shockingly <twitch> b- <tic> b- <twitch> I give up. Let’s move on.

It has its merit. Singular. It gave me the chance to talk to an internet quiz.

Conversation With (That BDSM Quiz) God

In which I am 100% honest. No, really.

Are you human? What is 5 + 7?

Mighty easier than Captcha. The appropriate response is to celebrate the triumph by lifting our eyes to the stars.

100% Degradation Receiver

Not that kind of degradation receiver. It’s important to specify about things like this. There’s a fuckton of different kinds of degradation and mine is the funky, sexy type. And why did you put this above submissive in the list? I’m obviously more of a submissive than a degradation receiver. Actually, why did you put this on the list at all? That’s just plain degrading.

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100% Submissive

That is the correct answer. I am perfect. This is the best quiz ever. If we were both real people we’d prolly bond over this.

96% Experimentalist

What is that, even? Some sort of hedonist? Nope, nope, wrong. I am not a hedonist, I am a sub, and don’t fuck with my complete and utter lack of confusion about my sexuality. Lemme just check the definitions: “An open mind and an insatiable curiosity.” Oh I see. That means I’m even more subly than I was a question ago. That is the correct answer. Let’s bond.

83% Masochist

Yeah, well, fuck you! I am no such thing. Obviously. Can we get this over and done with so that I can go read my homiletics textbook?

80% Bondage Receiver

See, this is where context comes into this stuff. You didn’t ask what kind of bondage receiver. You didn’t ask about the difference between sensual dom bondage and hardcore dom bondage. Asshat.

66% Girl/Boy

That is utter crap. This is clearly a dream-type subconscious fantasy, not a real-life-type kink. This quiz is the worst ever.

63% Non-monogamist

I suppose I can accept that label if we’re living one day at a time. I’m not saying I’ll accept it easily, but I’ll accept it for now. Just so that we’re clear, when I’m no longer celibate, that will no longer apply.

63% Slave

Did you even read my profile? It’s impolite to talk to people without first reading their profile. Mine says, “I draw a big black line between submission and subservience. Submission draws out sentience; subservience is anaesthetising to me, if it isn’t drawing out bile.” You are inaccurate. Be the change you want to see in the world by changing your questions.

54% Voyeur

Are we really going to go there? Because if we are, that just makes me feel uncomfortable. I have never even once watched anyone having sex. Except that one time. But that was different. And the other time. Which was also different.

50% Primal (Prey)

That’s the correct answer, but the incorrect percentage. Much higher. Did I or did I not tell you about H? Were you listening to Sandi Toksvig while you were taking my answers? At what volume?

46% Exhibitionist

You confused voyeurism with exhibitionism. You switched the numbers around. It’s meant to say 54% exhibitionist and 46% voyeur. How can an automated quiz fuck up something to do with adding numbers together? I could type that HTML better than you in my sleep. In Notepad. And add numbers better in my head, which I had to do to get into this goddamn quiz in the first place, by the way. Strikes me as a bit hypocritical, doncha think?

35% Brat

Untrue. What exact questions referred to brattishness? Exactly! None. As you can tell just through this exchange we’re having right now, there is not even a dandelion seed sized brat blowing around inside me. Are you talking back to me? That’s a fair point, but I behave this way only when I’m single.

28% Pervert

That’s not very nice at all. I can’t stand pompous self-importance. In others. What sort of quiz hurls insults around? Fuck you.

17% Primal (Predator)


What?

<stunned silence> Oh fergodssakes. I don’t. Even. Know. You are clearly screaming to be let out of your psychic darkness. Saying ‘100% sub and 17% primal predator’ is redundant. Maybe we can have a productive conversation when you’re sober.

16% Vanilla

Saying ‘100% sub’ and ‘16% vanilla’ is redundant. I thought we’d been through this. I’m definitely deleting this one from the list I post on Fetlife.

0% Switch

Thank you for burnishing my subly cred. Let’s be friends.

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