Social Media Members Speaking Honestly

OP’s Post

Check out this poetic mixed metaphor I wrote to prove that sadists can be romantic, and look! I can also tie these knots. If you don’t think that’s awesome, I’m going to complain about twuism in the comments section. Here’s some humble bragging, which is urgently needed because I had an argument with SirRonan yesterday, and I want to show him I’m superior to him.

Wow, everyone! Who would have thought? This is an Oscar-Awards-type thank you speech because being on K&P has finally made me a celebrity.


The Fan Club

It’s impossible for us to restrain ourselves from telling you that your words are as beautiful as butterflies in the African savannah. Tomorrow is full frontal Friday, and we need to break the ice before we remind you to check out our new selfies in the morning. We’ll show you ours if you show us yours. <giggles> We think it’s okay for you to use a cock shot avatar because we’re sucking up to you to earn some social status around these here parts.


The Shy Fangirl

I’m agreeing with the fan club because I don’t have anything interesting to say besides <sigh>. I changed my avatar to this photo of me with a duckface before I commented on your post because you have great abs and I’m embarrassed about my face. <sigh>

The Competitor

I’m definitely a fangirl, but if I don’t admit it you’ll choose me over those hussies who keep drooling all over your awesome knot-tying talent.

The Brat

Glitter! Glitter! I have something to say about glitter. I’ve never figured out why brats and glitter go together like Hitachis and vaginas, but I’m going to pretend to do stuff with sparkly things because that’s just what brats do. Brand power, oorah! <poke>

The Attention Junkie

There’s not really a reason to bring popcorn to this thread yet, but I’m doing it anyway because I want a fuckton of people to think I’m Fet-wise.

The First Troll

<FACEPALM> I’m bored of sitting in my mother’s basement playing Skyrim so I’m resorting to bullying you. I don’t have enough dignity to behave like a normal person, but at least give me credit for being the first troll on this thread.

<sarcasm> I’m saying something sarcastic and calling it ironic. </sarcasm> Sometimes I wonder whether I’m actually the smartest person on Fetlife, but then I always land up remembering that I eat Cheetos all day.

The Second Troll

I’ve been watching this thread waiting for a troll to show up because I didn’t have enough courage to be the first one on the scene.

You’re just fucking wrong, dude. Here’s a study that’s completely irrelevant to my opinion. I’m posting it because I don’t think you’ll read it, so you’ll think I have a genuinely supported opinion. Your argument is not really a straw man, but I’m saying it is because that’s the only fallacy I know. I have a lot of swear words in my arsenal, and today I’m using them all. You are fucking insane.

The Fetlebrity

You can relax, everyone. I have arrived. Here are some breadcrumbs so that my fans think I’m reading other people’s posts. I don’t care what you wrote, so I clicked the love button without reading your piece. Thanks to all on this thread for thinking I’m fantastic. Also, OP, fuck you for taking up my slot on K&P. Guys, don’t forget to read my book. I self-published it because nobody else would print it.

The Social Justice Warrior

I’m using the term ‘gender gap’ to show you that you’re the most wrong person on Fetlife. I’m also using fancy-ass plurals like ‘indices’ to prove to you that I’m intelligent. None of my friends read my journal so I came here to get a platform. My soapbox is about to take over your entire thread, but I think what I have to say will benefit all who read it. Why did you use gendered pronouns in that story about you and SirRonan, by the way? You’re a typical privileged cis male. What does ‘cis’ stand for?

The Perpetual Victim

I’m implying that I have a busy life that this thread is getting in the way of. I’m exhausted from reading it. My PTSD is acting up and my knee hurts. I need more sympathy from you so I’m saying something about spoons.

The Guerilla Marketer

Here’s a link to the response piece I wrote to your post. I need attention, and I’m piggybacking on your audience.

The Flouncer

Fuck all of you. I’m shutting down my account because all your opinions are bigoted. I’m telling you that instead of actually shutting down my account to give you time to beg me to stay. I need to feel loved because I ate a donut for breakfast and grew an extra fat roll. Why are you still not begging me to stay? NOW I’M TYPING IN CAPITALS. GOODBYE!!! YOU’RE STILL NOT BEGGING!!! Well, if you’re not going to beg, I suppose I’ll just have to…um…stay.


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