Kinksters’ Contract of No Vanilla

After having suffered some major setbacks, largely related to blowjob videos on BDSM porn sites and blog posts that don’t reflect domliness that is domly enough, WordPress now requires all kinksters to sign a Contract of No Vanilla. We hope this will eradicate masturbation-on-train photographs and other despicable vanilla porn.

1. Hours of kink

1.1. Kinksters are required to be kinky from 7am to 6 am the next morning. This leaves you with one vanilla hour a day, during which dominants are allowed to make their own coffee. Subs are advised to use this time to smear glue on the toilet seat and fill their dominants’ shampoo bottles with glitter. If these things are done between 6 am and 7 am, these actions will not earn them the title of ‘brat’.

1.2. Vanilla overtime will only be allowed if it’s agreed upon by all partners. This vanilla stuff better not make it onto WordPress, though. We are done with that shit.

1.3. You may save your daily vanilla hours and use them cumulatively on public holidays. Brats are required to quit tying their dominants to the bedpost in their sleep on these days.

1.4. To avoid being vanilla while sleeping, subs may sleep in their cages and dominants may wear leather underwear.


2. Meals

2.1 All kinksters are required to change their diets. Vanilla is not just a sexual preference but something that should be carried into your kitchen. All vanilla ice cream is now banned, especially when smeared on subs’ asses and breasts.

2.2. Obviously vanilla beans may no longer be used in cooking or baking, except in chai tea because we dig that shit.

3. Exhibitionism

3.1. WordPress agrees that exhibitionism is a real kink. However, we now classify masturbation in cars as vanilla if it doesn’t feature a Hitachi and a pair of wrist cuffs.

3.2. If a kinkster wants to do BDSM on a budget, only tools that are available at a hardware store are acceptable. If you’re too cheap to buy a pair of pliers at Hartware Hardware, you’re vanilla and will be chased to OK Cupid.

3.3. We’re sick of clothing pins now because we don’t think they look sexy enough, so all Walmart items are now vanilla and will result in us kicking your ass off WordPress.

4. Annual Leave

4.1 If you think you deserve annual leave from kink, you are vanilla.

5. That BDSM Quiz

5.1 If your quiz results show more than 6% vanilla, you will be permanently banned from WordPress. Bet you regret doing that stupid quiz now, fuckwits.

5.2. Those with dominant and submissive scores of less than 95% must wear nipple clamps for a week. You may redo your quiz on the seventh day, but good luck feeling domly after that, sadists.

6. Kinks

6.1 Your dumbass fucking joke kinks are using up our bandwidth, so they are now classified as vanilla.

6.2. If there are too many kinks in your ‘curious and want to try’ kink section, you are vanilla and will be required to travel to Australia to spend some sexy time with The_Wolf_. No, we’re not paying your airfare. What do you think we are? Vanilla?

7. Housing

7.1. You have to live in a dungeon. If you live in a house, you are vanilla.

7.2. If you don’t have a dungeon, you can live in an oubliette.

7.3. To all you kinksters on budgets, no, your basement is not a dungeon or an oubliette. Get a better paying job or we’ll call you vanilla.

7.2. All toilet seats are now required to be tangled up in barbed wire.

7.4. Toy bags are unacceptable to us, as are toy drawers. Your floggers and whips must be neatly hung from special hooks on a wall or you are vanilla. All porn videos must be shot against your toy wall.

8. Sick Leave

8.1. When subs get sick, dominants are allowed to make them dinner without being labeled vanilla.

8.2. When dominants get sick, they are not allowed to behave like babygirls or they are vanilla.

9. Discrimination

9.1. If you aren’t poly and bisexual, you are vanilla. Get a life.

10. General

Any changes to this agreement will only be valid if signed in blood with a spiked black pen.

John Baboon………………


One thought on “Kinksters’ Contract of No Vanilla

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s