Mr Message

Mr Pseudo-intellectual

I know big words. I will now use my postmodern dictionary to weave my intellect around you like a giant and annoying spider web. I will use terms like deconstructivist paradigm of consensus, which I will put next to other words that don’t really mean anything because I think I’m way more intelligent than you, so you won’t notice that everything I just said makes no sense whatsoever. Did I say pretextual cultural theory yet? Yep. I know that term, too, because I found it on Wikipedia. Do you love me yet? Let’s fuck.

Mr Puzzle Solver

Watch me and weep as I prove my supreme intellect to you by using your profile to figure out everything about you. When I first read your ‘about me’ section I thought, “writer,” but noooo! That would be too easy! Then I saw you mentioned sketching. You’re in advertising, amirite? And unlike everyone else, you really do live in Antarctica, and your affiliate profile is Oxford! Ha! Gotcha! Do you love me yet? Let’s fuck.

girl-1848954_960_720

Mr First Base

X. Do you love me yet? Let’s fuck.

Mr Curious

I don’t have too much to say, really, but I do want to make you horny. I know I can achieve this by using words like ‘wet’ and ‘lick’. I will now sext you, but because I feel embarrassed, I will use words like ‘yoni’ and ‘intercourse’. Do you love me yet? Let’s fuck.

Mr Zero

Hi. I found your profile. Do you love me yet? Let’s fuck.

The Lover

I am the most romantic dom on Fetlife, so please pay attention to my flowery words. I am proving to you that I am better than every other man on this site by telling you that your lips look like rosebuds touched by the morning dew. I will even make you gag by saying your hair is like angel’s tears touched by the dawn’s light. I will take quotations out of Song of Songs, which I think you won’t recognise because obscure reference. Your breasts are like two deers in heat. Do you love me yet? Let’s fuck.

Mr Student

I will include your entire profile in my email and tell you we have much in common. So you’re a feminist, huh? Me, too. We’re so similar it’s a miracle we haven’t met yet. I even joined that group you own yesterday, which I actually wanted to join ages ago, although that is not stalkerish at all. This sentence will end in a period because, like you, I’m also into punctuation. Do you love me yet? Let’s fuck.

Mr Subject Line

Subject:

How R U? Do U Love me Yet? Let’s

Message:

fuck.

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