Not Being an Asshole Isn’t Enough

“No one wants a friendly message exchange here. Women need to reconsider what they’re doing at Fetlife. Either open up or leave instead of calling us jerks.” –‘MusicMan’

Dear ‘MusicMan’

This site has four million members, so you have to admit, something odd is happening here. Admittedly, there are a fuckton of posts complaining about asshattery—just about every day K&P has a new piece of snark about how to avoid being an idiot. I’m not too bugged about those jerks you mention because it takes two seconds to delete and block a man who is generous enough to let me know upfront that I needn’t bother digging that hole.

It’s fun to write about asshats, but what I’m really looking at when I receive a message is how many points I can add, not how many I can take away.

Every fuckwit trait displayed in a PM is going to earn a certain number of minus points: Call me baby—10 points off. Tell me your fantasies—100 points lost. Asshole behaviour leaves your tally heavily in debt, but here’s the thing: It’s not enough to avoid asshattery. What I’m looking for in a message is how many points I can add.

I’m not sitting with a calculator doling out points, but in practice, that’s how it works for me. If I spent time getting to know all of the men who messaged me, by the end of the month I’d have 150 to correspond with. It just aint happening, so those I do reply to with any degree of interest have added points, and not just avoided fuckwittery.


80% of the men who message me add no points because they tell me about me. They either flatter me or prove that they’ve read my profile in-depth by enumerating seventy twelve facts from it, but I’m not feeling it. It’s sweet as hell that you bothered to read my profile: for that you get two points, but all 60+ men on my friends list got 50 points. I already know I like Tom Waits and sing in the shower without your help.

To tell the truth, even hearing what we have in common doesn’t get a wink and a smile from me. I want to see a whole person, and that kind of message just gives me shards, and on my territory, not yours.

Flattery doesn’t cut it either because I’m not at Fetlife to get my ego stroked, I’m here to make friends. And just in case there was any doubt, Fetilfe is swimming with women who are looking to get laid, myself included, but not a soul is getting into my knickers until he’s bothered with me on a platonic level. If we were treading the vanilla-brick road, casual sex might (rarely) be an option, but this is kink so I don’t do one-night stands.

The men who get into my circle of cyber buddies show me what they’re bringing to the table. I can pick pretense out of a crowded room from 20 strides so there is no formula. You’re going to have to show me your real self, whether that means an irony sharp enough to cut iron with or genuine intellect sans posing. Shy? I’m afraid that’s not going to lose any points with me because a shy guy can be as charming as a confident one, sometimes more so.

Hey, BigCock99, if you can’t imagine being called by your username at a party while maintaining your dignity, it’s a crap choice. However, there are mediocre usernames and great ones. It’d be a stretch to say I’ll be tempted by you based on your nickname, but give me something elegant and witty and I’ll assume you’re elegant and witty, too. Twitch, Sigil, SilverCat, yeah! I like imagination and intelligence in a man, and those who stray outside the obvious have a certain charm.

Face pics will win over a cock shot any day of the week, but I get that you’re not always willing to let the world and your boss know you’re wandering around the dark and hallowed halls of kink. All the avatars that have wowed me showed me personality (notice a trend yet?) DepravedEros’ stolen profile pic isn’t going to win any points. I personally have little interest in how tanned and sculpted your six pack is or how classic your looks are. Admittedly, that’s pretty absurd, but then, so am I. As with everything, I want character, undiluted and original. I’m a sucker for style and a smirk, but that means different things to every man.

If you suck at choosing cufflinks or happen to have a pair of well-hewn abs, it doesn’t mean I’m going to send you to Neverland without so much as a ‘hello’. If you’re not tallying up fuckwit points, there is only one thing that earns points with me: being yourself. You might be my nemesis, I might reject you, but then, I’d have done that once I got to know you anyway if you’re the wrong guy for me. Neither of us is getting laid that way. If you put yourself out there, though, things might just get interesting, which is more than I can say for safer tactics. To make things easier, I’ve prepared this handy guide:

How to Get a Reply to Your First Message

-1) Show me who you are.

Easy enough?


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