The Private Life of Fetlifers

When you make your way through the treacherous forests and cliffs of K&P, the odds of survival are heavily stacked against you.

“Documenting the glory and splendour of K&P is a never-ending delight,“ says David Fettenborough. To preserve all Fetlife members, even those who are less sexy than me, WWF (World Wide Fund for Fetlife) has been generous enough to offer this free survival guide.

The WWF’s Horniest Sexy Guide to Surviving the K&P Underbrush

Always take espresso. You never know when you’ll get stuck on K&P’s sexiest hiking paths and have to spend the night on the peaks of the Horny Mountains. “I bring a preassembled emergency pack,” says Fettenborough as he applies a generous dose of lube to his rather large cock. “I bet you can guess what I keep right at the top of my kit.” Diane Fessey has other ideas: “Always keep a pair of ben wah balls in a zip lock bag. History is riddled with women who didn’t survive because they didn’t have good G-spot attention while fapping to The_Wolf_’s porn. You can read a thousand words without ben wah balls, but you can’t survive a thousand video seconds with nothing but clit stimulation.”


“Also in my pack are hand warmers, Nutella, a big survival knife, signalling devices…you can’t have enough espresso.” I asked Fessey what the fuck the hand warmers were for. “Things get chilly at night, and trolling the comments section should only be done with a stiff cock, not stiff fingers. You might start typing 20 words a minute, and then where will you be? One thing I won’t do without is a Hitachi. I carry two.”

Fettenborough narrates the importance of the survival kit in a tone of hushed anticippppp…

…pation: “On this morning, readers are heading for a K&P woodland on the left-hand side of the screen where there is more cover and more porn videos to hunt. It’s a long journey for the exhausted Fetlifers. For the weakest cis male, it’s a real struggle to keep up. He’s trying, but slowly he gets left behind. K&P is a brutal world. The females simply can’t wait. If they don’t keep going, their genitals will also become dry, and then there’ll be no hope for any of them.

Erotica that doesn’t suck is a valuable catch at this time of year. The lives of the newbies depend on a successful outcome. While one bisexual slowly creeps forward, another approaches from K&P’s undergrowth. It’s been a while since her last orgasm, and all the kinky readers pile in. All, that is, except one. Three inches away, a young hard on is fading away. The erotica has come too late for him.

Once the hunt has been successful, even the harshest attack of exhibitionism can’t do without a lace negligee. Real life drama sets in on the subantarctic island of masturbation videos, where the 20-year-old vanilla female takes the epic and hazardous journey below the top 10, a breeding ground for flesh-eating trolls. She has to navigate the freezing waters stalked by fuckwits and negotiate a beach where Nice Guys could squash her without noticing. She dodges the asshats before finding the ‘film’ button. She then uses her rabbit vibrator, occasionally faking an orgasm. Vanilla females are the only members of the heterosexual species known to masturbate without the help of butt plugs. This fascinating footage of her also proves that national treasure, Sir David Fettenborough, is setting a high standard after more than 10 years of making K&P nature programmes.

The easiest path to travel on K&P is through the satire because videos that aren’t kinky are scarce here, but the quest through The Dessert of Rigging Photographs is precarious. Fetlifers must be able to recognise the difference between sexy and crap rope and occasionally check for tell-tale signs of yawn-inducing boredom. Sexy is bad. You want extra fucking hot. An inventive deep throater is seen on the waters of the top 10 posts as the night gets cold. The water on the east of K&P expands as it freezes. It has to give somewhere, so if you tread across the ice cracks, down you fall into your sixth multiple oh…oh…orgasm.

Setting Up Camp

“For me, the number one priority is easy orgasms,” Says Dianne Fessey, “You can always find enough typos, but it takes a lot of time and energy to click on crap blowjob videos before you come across something smoking hot.”

The path through K&P is full of hazards. Build a strong blanket fort. Use your wits. Respect the surrounding assholes. But when you have to, jerk off. This, the sexiest generation of Fetlifers, is our legacy—keep yourself kinky.


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