Reasons Nutella is Good for You

-1) You can make a cake with Nutella and Oreos that takes 10 minutes or you can make one of those crap cakes that takes five fucking hours. Nutella saves you time, which you can spend jogging. Jogging helps you lose weight, so Nutella helps you lose weight.

-2) Not eating Nutella is a crime, so eating Nutella keeps you out of jail. Not being in jail is very good for you because they apparently don’t give you Nutella there.

-3) It’s impossible to absorb vitamins without fat, so it’s impossible to absorb vitamins without Nutella.

-4) If you whip Nutella with frozen bananas and cream, you get soft serve. It has bananas in it. That makes it salad. Nutella is therefore salad. Salad is good for you.

-5) Only dumbasses drink hot chocolate that is not made from Nutella. Nutella therefore prevents you from being a dumbass, and chicks dig that.

-6) Chocolate helps to cure 1% of the cholesterol problems it starts. That can only be a good thing.

-7) I will sub in exchange for Nutella. Sex is good for you, therefore Nutella is good for you.

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Fetlife’s First Half of 2015, A Drunk Post

as inspired by Cracked.com

They say Fetlife cycles through the same debates and phases over and over again. This is futile. To what can kinksters cling when idiocy exists beyond all reason? History only repeats itself if you don’t learn from it, and since nobody around here can agree, I’m designating myself the teacher of Fetlife. Obviously this is a great honour to bestow on your own self, so I sought guidance from the wise and wonderful Sage of Fetlife. She said I was wise enough to lay siege to the months without falling into the “temptation of revising history as I see fit.” If you’ve ever read my stuff, you’ll know that’s true. I never revise history and I never resist the temptation to dispense judgement. I mean always. I always resist the temptation to dispense judgement. Not. Okay, fine, tell you what. Every time I dispense judgement or lose objectivity, I’ll do a shot of tequila (designated by a #) as punishment. So without further ado, the first half of 2015…

The Great Trigger Warning Debate

In January, The Poet Laureate of Fetlife made a bold departure from sonnets to tell everyone that trigger warnings were childproofing. Some awesomely awesome# new kinkster whose name is definitely not SpanishRed# hadn’t yet learned how to use her journal, so she wrote a 2500 word comment disagreeing. Then she wrote about 20 000 more. It wasn’t me, though#. In any case, the debate raged on for weeks, ripping asunder friendships and forging others. Then it ripped those asunder and forged them back together, and then ripped them asunder again and…you get the idea. Well, the person who is not SpanishRed# was definitely the one who was right. Trigger warnings were definitely not childproofing#. And then I changed my mind. This is not an egocentric entry.# Other people were there as well, and none of them were me#.

Total Drink count: 7

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It’s the Way He Moves

My ideal man is Caucasian, Asian, and black. He’s Cantonese, Israeli, and South African. I’ve found perfection in every one of them. My perfect man came into the world to the riffs of Jimi Hendrix, or he skipped the Sixties and learned to walk in the disco era. He has flecks of silver in his hair or he has yet to develop a rash of crow’s feet. My perfect man is every man who moves as though his entire soul fits perfectly into his body because he feels no need to compensate for his shrivelled ego. He can’t be a specific race, age or height because men who are secure enough to be humble come in a million different colours.

My perfect man moves like a symphony. He is sex and bourbon. He is grit and understated masculinity. He isn’t built from muscles gained from hours at the gym. Biceps and washboard abs don’t impress me. It’s all about the way he moves.

I love a dominant man, and this comes through in subtle ways because he doesn’t need to throw weight into everything he does. He sucks submission out of me instead of trying to push me into it. He’s sexy not because of his face or masculinity but because he dominates effortlessly. He pulls my strings without having to make demands–why would he need to? He has real power. My kind of dominant barely needs to say a word about what he wants. He gets it anyway.

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How to Run a Background Check on Your Play Date

By the time I meet a man for the first time, I’ve researched the hell out of him. I’ve checked whether he works where he says he works, for how long, whether his photographs are authentic, and whether he’s married. If I lived in the US or another country that keeps a sex offenders registry, I’d also know if he had a criminal record.

Hunting for all that information online is an utter invasion of privacy, and I consider Google stalking unethical under any other circumstances. However, people in this community get their consent violated constantly. They get raped. They get harmed, assaulted, killed, and kidnapped when meeting unknown partners for casual hook-ups. They also get cat fished. With those risks on the table, I’m throwing away my Google ethics with yesterday’s trash.

I use online tools to find out how honest my date is and whether the truth is consistent with what he’s told me. If he’s lying about anything, I’m not meeting him. Not even once. Clearly it pays to know whether he’s married if he’s telling me he’s single, but I also tend to pay a lot of attention to how long he’s worked for his company and what his references say. It’s a hardly solid indication of trustworthiness, which is why safe calls, ex-partner references, and the like are far more crucial, but I get a fair sense of a man if I see what his employment history is like. Someone who’s worked for nine years at the same company has something going for him, regardless of whether he’s a janitor or a CEO.

None of the tools and techniques I’m going to outline are complicated. A five-year-old could use them. I recommend you try them all with your own name and email address to get a feel for what they have to offer you. That will also let you know how much of your own information is available online. You may want to remove some of it to keep yourself safe </irony>.

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How Not to Be a Fuckwit on Fetlife

I’ve given seventy twelve lessons about how to be a Fetlife fuckwit, but apparently they aren’t appreciated. A friend just told me, “Not everyone on Fetlife wants to be a fuckwit. Some of us want to be nice.” At the time, I didn’t understand why anyone would want to quit being a fuckwit, but I like to evolve, so I spent some time thinking on it. Well, to be honest, I still don’t understand why anyone would want to be anything except a fuckwit, but I know a great deal about how to avoid being one from observing others. Thus follows the lesson.

Choose a Great Username

Choose a username you’d be happy living with in your real world dealings, but not one that is vanilla enough to suit your real world dealings. Choose something boring, yet not boring. ‘Cocksucker32’ is not boring enough, but ‘Harold’ is too boring. If you’re at Fetlife to find a long-term relationship, keep your username light-hearted, but not. Do the opposite if you’re just here to get laid.

Choose an Avatar

Fetlife is not a dating site. It’s Facebook with a dash of OKCupid mixed in with a whole fuckton of kink. It’s also weirdly vanilla, and your avatar should reflect all of these qualities. A picture of your face is vanilla, but a photograph of an orchid is far too sexually suggestive. Do not Photoshop your profile photograph or wear makeup, but ensure that your skin is 100% flawless. Showing the world your cellulite is unacceptable on Fetlife, but do not cherry pick your photograph because that’s dishonest. If you’ve ever played Pin the Tail on the Donkey, you’re qualified to choose a great avatar. Simply open your photograph folder, shut your eyes, and randomly click on a picture—this is the only honest way to do it, but remember that Fetlife is a dating site, so the picture you randomly select should show your best angle, without droop or stretch marks, but with enough imperfections to prove that you’re human.

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The Crowd Effect

A football stadium seats 100 000 people. You’d need 40 of them to seat Fetlife’s members. The world shrinks when the internet has anything to do with it, which means there are a hundred different mob species on this site. They don’t usually consist of sociopathic abusers or classic bullies, but you and I.

I’m not a psychopath and you probably aren’t either, but together, we churn up enough mayhem to bring a person to their knees. Cyberstalking is a useful parallel. Studies show that when it happens online it’s more traumatic than its real world counterpart because those in a brick and mortar world have limitations. If stalkers want to access you 24 hours a day, they have to work pretty damned hard at it, but in cyberspace, they don’t even have to leave their living rooms, and there no security guards around to make them step back. The most malicious trait of cyberstalkers is the sheer number of ways they can fuck with your life. They have access to every friend you have online, including those you work with. Their smear campaigns traumatise the hell out of their targets because they happen on a colossal stage called ‘social media’.

Put us in a cyber-pack and we can have the same impact as an abuser does. Alone, our motives are innocent, and what we do individually can be helpful, but then the crowd effect happens. Put a hundred good intentions together, and you often land up with harassment. The stuff you and I do together from behind our monitors can be gut wrenching despite the fact that we both wear pretty sparkly halos.

I’ll admit to feeling annoyed when victims of the crowd effect say we’re witch hunters carrying pitchforks, but we are.

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I Am Not a Dim Sum Menu

What do you want out of kink?”

Two years ago, I’d have given you a long list of fetishes. In those days, kinks (plural) were things you pulled out of a vending machine. “Bondage? Sure, let’s. Threesomes? Definitely. Sadism? Um…no.” The thing is, then I’d never had a dominant before. Now I have, so I know better than to treat a relationship like a dim sum menu.

These days, I’m into kink (singular). My fetish is authentic power exchange, which can’t exist if I treat you like a vending machine. How can submission happen if I’m telling you which kinks to dispense? I would be dominating you, and you’d be my service top. I don’t want to be served. I want to be the one doing the serving, and I can’t tell you the details of what I want until I find out what you want.

I can answer your question, but can’t give you the list you’re asking for. I want a dominant who explores my character and sexuality so that he can draw out my submission in a way that makes me feel compelled. I want a dom who falls in love with me and uses his knowledge of my identity to control me like an intricate puppet. I want to feel bound by his desires. I can’t have that with a man who carries a predefined kink list because it would feel too mechanical to captivate me. It would make him a top, and I want a dom. Did I tell you I wanted authentic power exchange yet?

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