What do you want out of kink?”
Two years ago, I’d have given you a long list of fetishes. In those days, kinks (plural) were things you pulled out of a vending machine. “Bondage? Sure, let’s. Threesomes? Definitely. Sadism? Um…no.” The thing is, then I’d never had a dominant before. Now I have, so I know better than to treat a relationship like a dim sum menu.
These days, I’m into kink (singular). My fetish is authentic power exchange, which can’t exist if I treat you like a vending machine. How can submission happen if I’m telling you which kinks to dispense? I would be dominating you, and you’d be my service top. I don’t want to be served. I want to be the one doing the serving, and I can’t tell you the details of what I want until I find out what you want.
I can answer your question, but can’t give you the list you’re asking for. I want a dominant who explores my character and sexuality so that he can draw out my submission in a way that makes me feel compelled. I want a dom who falls in love with me and uses his knowledge of my identity to control me like an intricate puppet. I want to feel bound by his desires. I can’t have that with a man who carries a predefined kink list because it would feel too mechanical to captivate me. It would make him a top, and I want a dom. Did I tell you I wanted authentic power exchange yet?
I’m a service sub, but I don’t serve simply because you carry a D-type sign. There are millions of those on Fetlife, and if that was my approach, I wouldn’t be available to you today—I’d have chosen the first dominant who came along. You must give me a reason to serve you. You haven’t even made yourself worthy of hearing my most intimate needs before you’ve required it, so I assume you can’t give me a reason to submit either.
Did I tell you I wanted power exchange? Reciprocity is one of the synonyms for the word ‘exchange’, and that is defined as a trade that entails mutual benefit. It benefits me to give you what you want, but how can I know what will benefit youwhen we’ve only known one another for a day?
You call yourself a dom, but I have called you a top. You cannot dominate me if you have a list of requirements that will remain static regardless of who you find me to be. That is topping, not dominating. You’ve asked me on day one whether your kink list works for me. I am not that kind of toy—I am not a bottom, but a submissive. What I offer isn’t automatic.
You can top me by comparing my kink list to yours, but I want to be dominated. You cannot do that if I am showing you how by telling you what I want right off the starting block. You’re behaving like a teacher who asks his student to explain what needs to be taught. In such a scenario, the student is teaching herself, and the teacher has made his role superfluous. By asking me what I want, you have made your role redundant to me.
Still, you have asked me a question, so I will answer you: I want a man who makes me want things I’ve never wanted before and never thought I would want, purely because he wants them. A dom can’t do that if he has a predefined list of expectations because he wouldn’t treat me like a person, but like the modern-day definition of a whore—one who agrees ahead of time to provide a defined list of sexual services in return for compensation. I want to be turned into the original definition of the word ‘whore’—‘one who desires’. If you’d made me desire, your predefined list of kinks might have become a reality.
The fact that you have asked me what I want and told me what you want before knowing a thing about me shows me that you’re incapable of giving me what I want: a dominant.