A lot of fuck ups have happened when I’ve met people because I didn’t have a list of expectations, so I’ve made one for you.
Setting the Record Straight
-1) After some recent controversy that had something to do with me, a dudebro, Lindt, Nutella hot chocolate, and a Walking Dead marathon, I’d like to state upfront that if we meet, we will be eating that shit, drinking that shit, and watching that shit. I will not be wearing knickers during all that shit, but that’s to be expected. It all comes down to each individual setting their own self-imposed rules, and mine involve television without underwear. How else can I get to know you?
-2) When we meet, I will definitely throw popcorn at you and try to get it to stick in your hair, but I’m into consent. I take a Walking Dead ad break as consent.
-3) In order to shout down any accusations about One TwueWayism, I’d like to state that there is no worldwide governing body on BDSM that says I can’t give a dom a hard time over his syntax, so you can bet your ass I’ll mock you about yours. Unless I’ve categorically said it upfront, you are always wrong until you become my dom, so when we meet I’ll give you 20 minutes to be right, but after that, you’re on your own.
-4) If we meet in the future, you must take me to Franschoek for dinner. You’ll know from the way I say, “Take me to Franschoek for dinner,” that I want you to take me to Franschoek for dinner. I prefer the restaurant that’s over the tiny river that has frogs in it because in between courses I like hanging over the railing doing my best imitation of frog croaks. No. I’m not kidding. Yes, you have to do it, too.
-5) Once we’ve done all that shit a few times, you might want to fuck me, but not before I spent a fuckton of time sorting out my confusion about hard limits. I’ve not been laid for a really long time, so make sure you bring Viagra. After that, we will do another Walking Dead Marathon featuring Lindt, Nutella hot chocolate, and oh, I forget, but I’ll try to remember when we get to that point.
I hope that’s cleared up any confusion because I’d hate anyone to feel duped. In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve posted a video clip below of what we’ll be doing when we meet.