Oh, my god, guys! K&P! Who would have thunk it? I was expecting this post to be read by a few of my friends, but Oh Em Gee! 3000 loves? Fuck a doodle!
When I was wondering what to write for this post, I thought, “do I have a thing that I know nothing about that I can educate you on? Is there a fuckwit who’s done me in?” I settled on the former: how to write a K&P post! Thank you for loving it more than a million angels on the head of a pin.
Let me begin with a rant: I’m sick to fucking death of the same shit showing up on K&P all the time.
That was a boring rant, but yours needn’t be. For instance, you could insult a Fetlebrity. This is a ton of fun, especially because s/he will send you a ranty email. This puts you On The Map because you will have been noticed by a famous person. They might not write to you again, so save their complaint to prove to your friends that you are, indeed, On The Map. But now I’m getting off topic.
Always add some compliments for all the other Fetlebrities to your K&P post. Despite common contraception (please note the typo—that’s a very important tool for getting onto K&P) they read other people’s writing. They and their colossal friends lists will soon get you up to the top 10 if they love your stuff. Obviously, I have 4287 friends, which is why I got to ignore all the Fetlebrities, but you may not be as popular as I am, so always name drop.
Your and you’re should always be switched in you’re post, so I will do that in the rest of my paragraphs. I apologise in advance if you’re eyes begin to bleed. Simply apply a cold compress and you should be fine.
K&P is fascinating. It’s true that this piece, too, is extremely entertaining, and this should apply to most (but not all) K&P posts.
Just the other day, KTBird told me that despite the common belief that all K&P posts have spelling mistakes, she knows someone called Kamikazeboi who once got into the top 10 without making a single error. You might not want to lave mistakes out, but that is a risk I am unwilling to took.
I’ve included this photograph of myself in this post:
Readers will now recognise me if I write a second K&P post. This is called ‘brand power.’ Say it with me: B R A N D P O W E R. Well done. As I write, I’m excited by the idea of including a completely irrelevant video clip in the bottom of my post. I’m not sure yet which one I will choose, but I do know that you’ll definitely love it.
This K&P post contains glitzy
that’s identical to that on my profile because…
(say it with me again) B R A N D P O W E R (well done)
… is crucial to every K&P post.
I’ve explained the impotence of typos, but there is another thing accomplished K&P posts have in common:
This can include varying degrees of expertise ranging from “random letters” to “hypotheses.” I can’t be bothered to come up with a hypothesis, and neither should you. That shit takes too much time, which is better spent looking for an irrelevant video clip for the bottom of you’re post.
The thing about writing K&P posts is that the instant you’ve written one, there is someone on Fetlife who disagrees with you. Droid, for instance, said, “Fucked if I know what your talking about,” before I even hit ‘post’, but that’s a theme I will return to when I write my comment, “My comment about comments”.