Fetlife’s First Half of 2015, A Drunk Post

as inspired by Cracked.com

They say Fetlife cycles through the same debates and phases over and over again. This is futile. To what can kinksters cling when idiocy exists beyond all reason? History only repeats itself if you don’t learn from it, and since nobody around here can agree, I’m designating myself the teacher of Fetlife. Obviously this is a great honour to bestow on your own self, so I sought guidance from the wise and wonderful Sage of Fetlife. She said I was wise enough to lay siege to the months without falling into the “temptation of revising history as I see fit.” If you’ve ever read my stuff, you’ll know that’s true. I never revise history and I never resist the temptation to dispense judgement. I mean always. I always resist the temptation to dispense judgement. Not. Okay, fine, tell you what. Every time I dispense judgement or lose objectivity, I’ll do a shot of tequila (designated by a #) as punishment. So without further ado, the first half of 2015…

The Great Trigger Warning Debate

In January, The Poet Laureate of Fetlife made a bold departure from sonnets to tell everyone that trigger warnings were childproofing. Some awesomely awesome# new kinkster whose name is definitely not SpanishRed# hadn’t yet learned how to use her journal, so she wrote a 2500 word comment disagreeing. Then she wrote about 20 000 more. It wasn’t me, though#. In any case, the debate raged on for weeks, ripping asunder friendships and forging others. Then it ripped those asunder and forged them back together, and then ripped them asunder again and…you get the idea. Well, the person who is not SpanishRed# was definitely the one who was right. Trigger warnings were definitely not childproofing#. And then I changed my mind. This is not an egocentric entry.# Other people were there as well, and none of them were me#.

Total Drink count: 7

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The Violet Fox Incident

A woman named Violet wrote that, after decades of being nice to street harassers, she told one of those assholes to go fuck himself. This was obviously the right thing to do# so all of Fetlife cheered#. Then a whole ton of men mansplained# to her how she should have gone about that colossal and all-important minute of her life because obviously they knew better than the wimminz did#. Approximately 6000# journal entries popped up about it, and all the wimminz were taught the best way to deal with some fuckwit throwing his dick in their faces#. Now Fetlife’s females know exactly what to do, so the Violet Fox Incident will never happen again. Also, Master James has successfully dealt with the street harassment he experiences ever since#, which is the cherry on the cake.

Total Drink Count: 12


The Brat War

I’m just going to have to wing this one because I’m not entirely sure what a Brat War is. I’m guessing that, after reading too many stories about glitter, some subs felt hard done by. They thought they were being called ‘boring’ and basically, all of Fetlife put its voices together to tell the brats to stop writing, which is perfectly reasonable#. Brats being brats, they refused to shut the fuck up#, so then James called them Pseudosubs, but we’ll get to that in a bit. The most important lesson we need to learn from The Brat War is that brats never shut the fuck up# so don’t even try.

Total Drink Count: 63


The Beautiful Submission Scenario

James called brats ‘pseudosubs’ in a post about Beautiful Submission. It was full of shite# so Fetlife’s brats and subs decided to write a fuckton of posts about their versions of beautiful submission. And with all the glitter all over them, they were very beautiful indeed#. And shiny and shit like that#. In the end, Master James learned his lesson#, picked up a harem full of brats#, and bought the brats a glass of champagne to celebrate#. I wish I had champagne, but I only have this fucking tequila. I hate tequila. There’s not even any salt and lemin around. Fuck.

Total Drink Count: 8756


The Unrepentant Stalking Chapter

Fuck. Do I have to talk about this one? Never make flends with a guy who drafts a document outlining the jobs of his harem members is all I’m flaying#.

Total Drink Count: FBI


The Wolf’s US Tour

Some fangirl or other bought The Wolf a cricket to the US#. If you don’t think jealousy is a real thing, you ain’t seen nutthing. On his visit to LA, there was a…what’s that fling that bison do called? A stampede of subs that led to a few broken legs and marms n shit. Then he went to New York, and some bubs lost flair teeth in a bar fight. Depraved Eros took piksures, and that was the end. Basically, the lesson is don’t let The_Wolf into New Jersey.

Total Drink Count: 1 435 946


The K&P Monopoly

I was right.#

Total Drink Count: A Metric Fuckton


The Background Check Debacle

See above#.

Total Drink Count: Fuck knows.

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