Conditions for Being My Friend

A message from a friend this morning vexed me greatly because she’d failed to meet one of the conditions for our friendship. Then I realised that at least half of my friends hadn’t met the conditions either, mainly because I haven’t told anyone what they are. From this morning onward, there are no excuses.

-1) Thou shalt be a gay man. Yesterday I came across the blog of a gay man, and I realised that they’re virtually extinct on WordPress. I’m quite tired of having only one homosexual friend here, so to make up for it, everyone needs to be a gay man for the next four weeks. I know this can be done because there are tons of gay men in my city, so no excuses.

-2) Thou shalt buy me boots. I love boots. That’s reason enough. If there are no decent boots available, I’m happy to accept trenchcoats. Just make sure they cost more than $200.

-3) Thou shalt love Nutella. I know I’ve reached my threshold for mentioning Nutella in my journal this week, but this is too important to leave out. People who don’t like Nutella can’t be trusted. I’d prefer you didn’t eat it on toast because that’s just gross, but I suppose I’m willing to compromise. Being allergic to Nutella is not an excuse. Ever heard of an EpiPen? Well, use it. Ever heard of a hospital? Well, use it. If necessary, eat Nutella in the emergency room. I wouldn’t want you to die on me because then you wouldn’t be able to eat any more Nutella.

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-4) Thou shalt be single. I’m quite tired of being the only person I know who isn’t getting any, so you have 10 hours to dump your play partners, lovers, switches, and spouses.

-5) I expect you to provide me with good reading material. If you fill my feed with sonnets, you’re in contravention of rule 5.0. My feed belongs to me, so what you do at WordPress belongs to me as well.

-6) Ice cream is banned from conversations because it makes me hungry.

-7) Thou shalt send me love letters. The last time I got a love letter was three weeks ago. That’s unacceptable. I feel rejected.

-8) Thou shalt be a dom. I know a lot of sexy submissive women who I would fuck if they were doms. This is inconvenient, so if you’re a hot submissive woman, you must convert into a dom once rule 1.0’s four-week period is over. Obviously after you do, rule 4.0 no longer applies to you.

If you’re in contravention of one or more of these rules, ask yourself one question: Do you like me? Okay, ask yourself two questions: Do I like you as well? Well, I guess that’s okay, then. We can be friends without conditions.

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