Cock Blocked by a Lousy Porn Video

It’s been so long, but at last it’s just you and me, baby. And her and her and him and him and…him as well, although I wouldn’t mind if you got rid of him. Just between you and me, I suspect he’s vanilla. He looks a bit too uncomfortable for my liking.

What the fuck is this? Could you not have done the whole contract and safe word spiel before you started filming? How would you like it if Martin Scorsese made you watch Leonardo DiCaprio reading his film contract and cut out the scene where Jordon Belfort gets thrown into jail to make space for it? What do you need a contract for anyway? We’re talking about 10 minutes of fucking, not 10 years of M/s.

Oh for fucksakes. Now you want me to watch you interviewing Miss Muffet. I don’t fucking care what she wants or how because you’re about to show me what she’s getting and how. Just get to it already. This clip is halfway through.

Right, now we’re getting somewhere. Oh, hell. Of course domly pants doesn’t have his toys on hand because after all the figurative housecleaning I just watched, I might as well stare at a dead screen while he goes through his tool box. I have all day. Take your time.

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So we have her tied, fina-fucking-lly.

What’s that? A feather? Dude! I signed up for a sadistic dom. You’ve tied up your domme and are now behaving like her slave. You do get that, right? If you were actually taking on the role of sub instead of calling yourself a sadist, it wouldn’t be so bad, but this? I. just. Can’t.

<scroll scroll scroll>

Three quarters of the clip is finished and you still haven’t started fucking her? There’s not a lot of time left so let’s just cut out the flogging and get to the main event, shall we? I would have been fine with it if you hadn’t wasted SEVEN MINUTES on “we promise we got consent.”

Yessss! Here comes the cock.

Awww dude! Not a condom. If I wanted this much practicality I would have fucked my next-door neighbour instead of watching this clip. I appreciate the whole safe sex thing, but you’re a porn actor, so doncha think you could have relied on STI screens instead?

Now, if you’d just tell her to quit that fake-ass screaming, we might get somewhere.

<mutes volume>

Nuh-uh! Don’t show me her face. Show me your cock.

On second thoughts, don’t bother because you’ve trashed my libido in 10 minutes flat. Congratulations. I think I’ll just make some popcorn and watch The Wolf on Wall Street instead.

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