You will never find the answer to that question

You’ll wake up one day and realise that you feel obsolete without him. You’ll grow tired of that, so you’ll wonder if his inconsistency was just in your imagination.

You will never find the answer to that question

but you’ll wake up the next day and realise that it doesn’t matter because he’s gone. You’ll wonder if you should call and tell him all the ways he changed your life. You will make that call because you’ll forget that you were not his first love.

You will not be his last.

You will not be his next,

because even though parts of him still live in your memory, he’s not there. You will try to erase him, but instead you’ll turn him into a fantasy no man will ever match. You’ll wonder if any of that dream was real.

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You will never find the answer to that question.

You’ll wonder why he started growing distant from you the moment he kissed you.

You will never find the answer to that question, but you’ll wake up one morning and realise that you need to stop caring.

You won’t stop caring, but knowing the pointlessness of it all will make that easier to live with.

You’ll spend three months wondering if you should write him a letter listing all the reasons you left, and then you’ll spend days trying to decide if it’s supposed to be an apology.

You’ll decide that it is, so you’ll write and tell him that you often resorted to hanging on the edge of a trigger waiting for the moment when he was satisfied. It wasn’t because you loved him but because you thought that love meant giving more than you could cope with. You’ll wonder if that was the reason your relationship failed.

You will never find the answer to that question.

You will write to him and tell him you never hated him. You’ll spend days wondering if he read it.

You will never find the answer to that question.

You’ll wonder if you’ll ever let him go. You will find the answer to that question when you wake up a year after you left and write him a letter you will never send. It will say, “I’m ready to grow distant from you.”

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