I’m Here for the Sex, Too. Sorry, Not Sorry

Apparently you’re not supposed to use parties, munches, and Fetlife to find partners. Fetlife is not a dating site. Play parties are not to be used to meet partners. Kfine, but if you’re not meeting kink partners on Fetlife and at parties, where are you meeting them? At the supermarket?

“Please will you pass the cereal and, by the way, are you into being tied up and tortured?”

I use Fetlife for its platonic friendships and education, but sex and love are some of the coolest, happiest things life has for us. Hoping to find them at parties or a kink networking site is hardly my idea of an ethical problem. If I were here to find victims for my serial killer fantasies, that would be an ethical disaster. Finding love on a social networking site? That’s not a moral catastrophe.

People use all kinds of places to find partners. Church, salsa clubs, cooking classes… They don’t use them solely for romance, but we all have an awe-inspiring talent for multitasking. We can use Fet and munches for more than one reason at a time. This is not even as hard as juggling two tasks at once. This is child’s play.

As long as you aren’t being blatantly dishonest with me, as long as you’re not pestering me, I’m good with those motives. I don’t need express consent to exist for all that happens in the early stages of a relationship before sex is on the table. Obviously there are many in the community who want to do things that way, but I’m the magic and rainbows type. I would rather you got your consent through a combination of intuition and observation.


Before kink, that’s how we did things: we didn’t suck the enchantment out of our exchanges by asking, “May I please objectify you for a second?” We observed. We picked up the energy that was sent our way. We intuited what was welcome. And that’s the kind of consent I prefer to operate with in friends-and-dating days. And for the consent police, I’m talking about friendly and welcome flirtations here. I really only want to be talking about express consent when actual sex or play is in the picture. Before then, I want magic. Please don’t take my magic away. Take it away from people who want theirs taken away, but don’t punish me for others’ stiff requirements.

Yes, there are dating sites for kinksters, but here, we hang out around nekked people and porn videos. We talk about sex. We write about sex. We get together for parties and watch people getting sexual. Precisely where the ever-loving fuck are kinksters meant to meet other kinksters if not at social events for kinksters?


5 thoughts on “I’m Here for the Sex, Too. Sorry, Not Sorry

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s