If there’s one thing I want out of D/s, it’s to connect with the raw essence of a man. I want to clear away the cobwebs of affectations, politeness, and pretence. I want to delve all the way into the spirit of who he is and find what he hides from the rest of the world. That’s why I find sadism so sexy—there are few desires more depraved, and corrupt sexuality has no room for pretence. I get to see his very core.
I’m less of a masochist than a woman who gets off on a man who’s base enough to take pleasure out of someone else’s pain. That is where instinct becomes palpable. Sensation is my second prize. My first is the white hot of That Moment. I want to see the depth of his debauchery, because that is where authenticity is. That is where his instinct becomes palpable.
“Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster…for when you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.” – Nietzche
That, right there, is the solution to the puzzle of his sadism: When a dominant lets go utterly, I see into the abyss. The abyss sees into me. We connect without a single boundary between us. When the moment is through, the boundaries don’t reform themselves, and I get to love the whole man–every dark and beautiful corner of him.