There is no sign at the door of Fetlife that says “All female members must look like Gisele Bundchen.” There is no TOU saying, “Must have the sexual confidence of a showgirl.” There is no box to check that confirms you have the experience of a pro sub/domme before you’re allowed into a munch or play party. Correct me if I’m wrong, but all that seems to be saying kinksters are allowed to be ordinary human beings. We don’t have to be flawless and shockingly talented with all kinds of weird and wonderful kinks.
When I arrived at Fetlife I was intimidated by the fact that I was ordinary. I had nothing in common with your average porn star. I was just your average Josephine with no special talents or confidence to show for my kinkster status. I hadn’t met any of you yet, so I thought every last one of you could take a barbed wire flogger with grace while flexing your perfect six packs, rose-scented sweat rolling off your perfectly tanned skin. You think I’m kidding? I’m not.
Because better women than I put their kinks and ordinary, flawed curves on show on Fet and at parties, I found out I would be just fine. That didn’t make it easy, though. I still get shy. I still get scared. I still have days when I feel way too fragile to go anywhere near a sadistic streak. But you know what? I’m doing okay, and I attribute part of it to a trick a friend taught me four years ago.
Take a breath and get ready for a shock. This one is going to floor you. The trick is called ‘honesty’. Mmhmm. I knew that one was going to leave you in awe of my god-like wisdom. </sarcasm>
But seriously, I had to do my first hour-long public reading and I was terrified. She told me to start off with honesty. She suggested I tell the entire audience how I felt before I read—that I was anxious as fuck. That I was terrified. That I’d never done a full-length reading before. I naturally gave her a withering look and told her it would never work.
Only it did. On the night of the reading, I did as she’d suggested, and I’ll be damned if my fear didn’t evaporate on the spot. Speaking and connecting on honest ground changes something dramatic. It takes all the power out of the anxiety and gives the uncomfortable energy in the room a complete overhaul.
So now I’m hooked on saying the difficult things because it makes life so much easier. I do it with kink: I say, “I’m shy. I feel ugly. I feel emotional,” or any of the other hundred things that mean, “I’m not a pro sub who looks like Giselle Bundchen.” And it works. It fucking works.
But I’d never have come far enough to open my big, honest mouth unless better women than I hadn’t put their beautifully ordinary bodies, knowledge, and experience out there for me to see. So here’s to the ordinary ones. Salut!