D/s has a way of sneaking up on me and saying, “Here’s the most innocuous bit of power exchange I could come up with, but you’re gonna love it anyway.” Take the fact that SS makes me get naked and wait in position upstairs for him while he drinks a cup of coffee and reads his emails. Any ordinary person would consider that rude. Me? The longer he takes, the hotter it is. Then there’s pain. What, precisely, is so sexy about it? Why is the fact that he likes to hurt me such a turn on? What is it about impact play that’s so intensely sexual?
If you come up with a legitimate explanation, I’ll pay you a jar of Nutella per word for it.
It’s impossible for me to intellectualise about BDSM without seeing the absurdity in the stuff I take pleasure out of, but I’m definitely having more fun than those people on Facebook. Vanillas have about 20 different ways to vary their in-the-dark sex. Us? We prolly have 50 000. Cleaning up after play is like tidying after a toddler: toys, toys every-damned-where.
Dr Google tells me that between 10% and 30% of adults engage in sadomasochism, so clearly sexualising pain is not all that unusual. What nobody can tell me is why, beyond the garden-variety childhood trauma trope, which I think is a cop out.
One theory is that sadomasochism gives us an escape from our ordinary identities, but I’m calling bullshit on that one because it actually does the opposite: it brings me closer to myself, my life, and my partner. If I’m feeling dissociative, the quickest way to get me back to reality is with a belt. If I’m feeling far away from you, the easiest way to bring back intimacy is with power exchange. If I’m feeling unappreciated, the most effective way to make me feel loved is to throw me over your lap.
It seems awfully counterintuitive, but if you delve a little deeper, it makes sense in its odd way. D/s doesn’t happen unless I’m revealing 100% of myself in all my raw authenticity, and the same goes for my Dom. There’s no way he’s getting vulnerable enough to raise a hand to me if he’s feeling insecure in our relationship.
Dominants who get a gleeful, evil kick out of hurting their subs are sexy as fuck to me because they’re in touch with their instincts, but pain also brings me into the present moment. It heightens all the sensations that follow. That makes sex feel a million times better. Most of all, though, masochism requires trust, and that is an aphrodisiac more powerful than almost everything on this blue planet, except love.