The Only Solution to Internet Drama You’ll Ever Need

I think I’m right all the damned time. Readers often convince me that I’m wrong, but that doesn’t change a thing. I still think I’m right all the way up to the moment when I realise I’m wrong. Did I say ‘think?’ I meant I *know* I’m always right. It’s a disease, and there is no cure.

Take my taste in men. I’ve always chosen the most exquisite creatures. I have a wildly niche preferences in men, but my taste is the right taste. It is. Fuck off with your George Clooney. I’m the only one who knows the truth about what constitutes hotness.

I’m also right about music. I was as right a decade ago as I am today. The fact that I think some of what I loved then sucks has no bearing on this. If I say a song is awesome and you say it’s crap, I’m right. Other people’s taste is good only if it coincides with mine.

The vast majority of you have the same biases I do. We all look for and interpret information in a way that confirms we’re right. We’re more likely to blame external factors for our mistakes but to blame our friends for theirs. We even have a memory bias that makes us view our lives through the lens of what we want them to be. I know what you’re thinking: “You might be biased but I am not.” Um… no. Biases wouldn’t *be* biases if we were aware of them, so I’m pulling imaginary rank in telling you that you’re wrong.

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Everyone exists so on top of one another that irritation and arguments are constant. Who stole whose chocolate? Who didn’t take their washing out the machine? Who played their music so loudly last night? The only way people who live communally can stay sane is to be absurdly considerate and quit being so fucking judgemental.

We have a similar scenario on social networks. We all ‘live’ so near to one another that annoyance is almost a way of life. Counter-posts, raging fights about feminism, rants about All The Evil Weblebrities… we kick up a metric fuckton of drama.

The vast majority of those of us who contribute to the chaos have the same thing in common: we all know we’re right.  Don’t fucking argue with me. I’m not wrong about this. The only people who evade drama are those who know they’re not always right.

If you’re intelligent enough to be right as often as I am (which is doubtful), you’ll already have figured out the answer to this problem. Obviously one person on the internet needs to be responsible for deciding who’s right in all scenarios. And obviously that person is me.

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