E managed to capture my submission at a time when I didn’t even know what D/s was, let alone if it interested me. We played with some edgy degradation, but he left me feeling so precious that he literally changed my life. Our dynamic left me in awe. Hell, it left him in awe, too. I’ve often gone back to try to quantify why he made me feel all I did. A few things emerge that were unusual about him:
He cared deeply for me and made me feel profoundly accepted.
He saw and heard me better than anyone who’d preceded him.
If he had one talent, it was love, and given how profound our power exchange was, I tend to think that’s the catalyst that draws the beauty of BDSM out best.
Degradation is risky. If I don’t feel safe, it feels like nothing more than role-play because I must always keep myself at a distance. Immersion becomes impossible for me when genuine fear is on the table. I need to know that everything that’s taken from me will be replaced.
Degradation that’s raw and authentic lets me know that every nuance of myself is seen, acknowledged, and used: all the dark, the light, and every shade in between. E saw every colour, every texture, and every fractal of light. There wasn’t a false note in our play, and because we were trading in reality instead of fantasy, it became a healing force.
He repeatedly brought traits to my attention that I’d been too ashamed to acknowledge. When he dragged them out of me and called them by name, it was as though he was tugging a giant sheet off my character so that I could see it all as well as he did. Shame dies on exposure, and when he loved me, not despite of, but because of, all my darkness he taught me that all of me was worth loving, not just the pretty parts. I blossomed under E–the way I moved, dressed, and existed; every fraction of myself and my life changed. I walked taller.
Dominants who can take what they want are a valuable commodity, but at the same time, empty selfishness can only destroy. If you want a truly whorish sub, one of the easiest ways to get it is by being perfectly selfless and selfish in equal measure. Selfishness alone is the fastest track to turning a sub off like a light switch.
The Toy Care 1.01 lesson our mothers gave us when we were four said, “You don’t get to keep nice things unless you take care of them.” E took care of me. He made sure I was nourished, cared for, and maintained. He made sure I knew my value. In exchange, he received all the power he didn’t believe he deserved.
And he also got that truly whorish sub