Hitachis on Crack

Today I got a Lelo wand.

A Lelo

fucking

wand!

Do you know what that is? That’s a Hitachi on crack.

But that’s not all. I also got a Stronic. I wish I could give you an equally awesome comparator for this one, but there is only one Stronic. There is no sex toy range that compares, in my extremely limited knowledge. I am, after all, the first woman who ever reached 40 without trying a vibrator. Yes. That really did happen, so I wouldn’t count on my expertise on this particular topic if I were you. I do, however, fully intend on becoming an expert. I believe I’ll qualify in…oh… approximately five days. <ahem>

(Continued below)

960

They were a gift from the ever-awesome and suave… uh… actually, let me not share his name lest he gets descended upon by a pack of very horny single women. Let’s just call him my new best friend–after my Stronic, obviously. A woman should always know where to place her loyalty.

I’m not the type to get overexcited, so when the store manager tried to have a conversation with me, I was as dignified and sophisticated as I always am.

Conversation with Overqualified Sex Toy Doctor with 10 000 PhDs

So what did you do to deserve this?
I wrote. <grins>
You what?
He likes my writing. <grins some more>
Wow. So what do you write?
A blog. <still grinning>
What’s on your blog?
Writing. <still grinning>
What do you write?
A blog.

I’m always demonstrably elegant in conversation, as you can tell. It’s because I’m so… what ‘s the word for being good at words? Eloquent! Uh-huh, that’s me. The Lelo stole my vocabulary.

Once I’d said ‘a blog’ a third time, I raced out of the door like a bat out of hell because I’d just been informed that I would have to wait a total of four hours for the damn things to charge before I could give myself a back massage. Why are you looking at me like that? That’s what Lelos and Stronics are for, doncha know?

My home looks like Horny Santa’s Christmas. Packaging everywhere, booklets and boxes and toys, oh, my! And two vibrators plugged on either side of my living room.

No, four hours have not passed yet. Why the hell do you think I’m writing this stupid post? Do you think I don’t know my priorities?

You know what they say about watching a kettle boil, and I’m not taking any chances, tempted as I am to stare at both of them for all four of those hours.

Fuck it. I’m going to watch them charge. See you next Friday.

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