How to Do Fetlife Properly

Nothing is easier than figuring out the unwritten rules of Fetlife. Just read every K&P thread for a year like I did, and you’ll soon be as clear about them as I am.

Fetlife is Not a Sex Site

Just because everyone uploads videos of their weekend orgies, doesn’t mean Fetlife is a sex site. It’s a place where people meet platonically to pretend they don’t want to fuck anyone while writing about all the people they’re fucking.

Never Date Fetlife Members

Fetlife is not a dating site. It’s a place where people find dates accidentally. If you hope to shag that hot sub, authentically fake being sexually interested in her platonically. If you want more, make sure you’re upfront about it from the start without letting on that you’re interested until much later. She’s not going to be impressed if she finds out down the line that you were just being friendly because you were romantically interested in her, but if you tell her from the first message that you’re interested, she’ll be pissed off, too, so only express romantic interest in strangers you’ve already met before. Fetlife is a sex positive place as long as you don’t think about sex too much.

The correct way to go about finding kinky dates is to out your fetishes on vanilla dating sites. If you write on your OKCupid profile that you’re looking for someone to watch clown porn with while pretending to be a tree, they definitely won’t think you’re weird. Remember to always include a face photograph, your place of work, and an image of yourself deep throating a cucumber. That’s what vanilla chicks are into.

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Always be Politically Correct

Never write about your boyfriend in gendered pronouns because that’s heteronormative. If you absolutely must use gendered pronouns to refer to yourself, follow with: (but it’s okay if you’re gender queer. Really.) If you can’t even get that right, then at least be ashamed of the fact that you didn’t have to walk five miles to your sex change operation barefoot through the snow.

Fetlife is Accepting

Fetlife is an amazingly accepting place that loves everyone just the way they are if they’re poly, bisexual, and politically correct.

Never Talk to Fetlebrities

There is no correct way to behave around Fetlebrities. If you’re nice, you’re a sycophant, and if you’re nasty, you’re jealous. It’s thus best to ignore all Fetlebrities. If you become a Fetlebrity, always tell people you’re not famous while simultaneously telling them how hard it is to be famous.

Don’t be a Whiner

It’s against the rules to rant on Fetlife unless you’re ranting about ranting. By all means, create drama about the fact that there is drama, but never be the first to drop the bomb. Negativity is only okay if it’s in response to other people’s negativity. Hypocrisy is always fine, though. Fetlife loves itself a good hypocrite as long as they’re honest and don’t speak in gendered pronouns.

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