How to Get Blocked on Social Media

There are three kinds of women on social media:

  • Friends,
  • women you want to shag
  • women you want to shag who don’t want to shag you

When a woman you want to shag doesn’t want to shag you, you have two options:

  • leave her alone
  • hound her until you get blocked.

Obviously the second option is far more entertaining. It also comes with the side benefit of destroying your dignity. There are two paths towards getting eternally blocked on social media—

  • the instant way
  • the fun way.

Quickie blocks can be entertaining in the short term, but if she blocks you immediately, you don’t get to talk to her for very long, so it’s best to use several slightly annoying actions so that the path towards your block lasts as long as humanly possible.

The Quick Way

If Hannibal Lector was on social media, he’d be skilled at getting an instant block. “You’re not more than one generation from poor white trash, are you, Agent Starling?” would have been very effective, so to get a quickie block, you merely have to ask yourself, “What would Hannibal say?” No, don’t go *that* serial killer on her, dumbass. The goal is to get blocked, not banned.

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The Fun Way

Step 1: Send exactly the same PM to her and the rest of her leather family. This isn’t the most effective way of using the copy paste feature. For that, you need to send your message to her and her affiliate profile. After all, what good is spamming if nobody finds out about it?

Step 2: Send her a friend request.

Step 3: Just because she rejected your first friend request, doesn’t mean she won’t reject your second, so go ahead. Send another one.

Step 4: Change your avatar to a stolen image. Nobody likes a thief, after all.

Step 5: Now send her the following message:

How R U? Your hot, darling.

The inability to understand apostrophe usage is critical to this step, so don’t even think of using ‘you’re’ instead of ‘your’. A talented blockee is always grammatically incorrect. Feel free to substitute the word ‘darling’ with other inapt terms of endearment. ‘Sweetheart’, ‘honey’, and ‘baby’ are a few options that ensure she knows you have neither imagination nor respect.

Step 6: Now it’s time to spy on her profile. Every time she comments in a journal or group, rush over and do the same. You need to make sure she knows you’re following her around the site. To hammer the point home, begin your comment with, “I vehemently disagree with the last poster.”

Step 7: Hopefully she will have been annoyed by all your advances up to this point. If not, repeat steps one to six. Once you’ve been thoroughly ignored, send her a 1000 word message. You have three options for its contents:

  • List your curriculum vitae. After every position you’ve held, say, “For this reason, I’m extremely rich and own an Audi.” Feel free to use bullet points.
  • Give her a lecture about Freud. This message needn’t make logical sense, but it should contain links to about seven psychology studies.
  • Write to her about the spiritual benefits of belonging to an obscure cult, and tell her that your religion has made it possible for you to give your sub a spiritual awakening.

Step 8: Be brave—send her a third friend request.

She will now block you. Congratulations. You may proceed to your next target.

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