My Super-Scientific Experiment About Women’s Porn

For the sake of science, I’m going to watch a “women’s porn” clip. You don’t need to thank me. I’m willingly making this sacrifice on behalf of womankind.

First clip: Where Love is a Dangerous Game

Super-scientific observation 1: Women’s porn has dramatic Hollywood-type soundtracks that don’t sound like elevator music.

Scene 1:

A couple is racing histrionically through a warehouse because zombies? Murderers? Freddie and Jason? Or maybe they’re hunting for a place to film this porn video because women’s libidos don’t simply turn on. Nooo. They need to be sloooowwwwlllly dialled up by scenes of couples running to the sound of Ennio Morricone music. Masters and Johnson said so, and so does this porn clip.

(Continued below) 

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Super-scientific observation 2: Women’s porn has hotter men than normal porn. This is definitely a positive development, but porn dude would be sexier if he wasn’t looking at porn chick as though he was born in a Mills ‘n Boon novel.

Scene 2

Kissing…
More kissing…
Even more kissing…

I’m on minute three and they’re still kissing.

Aw ewww. He did not just spit in his hand to lube her up. How can she still be dry after all that kissing anyway?

Super-scientific observation 3: Even while filming porn “for women”, cameras spend 90% of their time cutting off men’s heads.

Scene 3

All of a sudden I’m looking at a dude with closed eyes standing in front of a mountain. Now I’m watching a new couple kissing, but mountain guy isn’t there. How does he fit into this story? Maybe he died and returned with a new face. It’s hard to be scientific when your sample group is behaving like a bunch of assholes.

Scene 4

Kissing…
More kissing…
Really gross noisy kissing…
I’m bored.



Here’s a clip about how to please a man orally. Blowjob videos are always excellent ego-fodder because no porn star gives better head than I do. </shameless marketing plug>

Clip Two: How to Please Orally

Super-scientific observation 4 – 2 million: See? She’s not even talented enough to go balls-deep. Oh. She is. She is indeed, and with a 10-inch cock, too. Wow. Did she just… Oh! I can’t do that. My teeth always get in the way. How the hell did she manage to get him all the way down from that position? This woman is showing me up. Fuck this shit. This experiment is over.

Scientific Experiment “Women’s Porn” is Declared Complete.

Conclusions:

  • Women in women’s porn have no teeth.
  • Women’s porn has better blowjobs than normal porn .
  • Women bite the heads off of male porn stars once they’ve finished kissing them.
  • Literally everything makes me horny, even crap porn.
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