Subs Make Mistakes, Too

A kinkster who’s “never made mistakes” is a kinkster who will make the same mistakes over and over until she gets old enough to wear purple. If there’s a brighter red flag than that, I’ll butter up my monitor and eat it. Every sub, every dominant, every person who’s moved beyond Fetlife has fucked up, so the only difference between those who claim perfection and those who admit their errors is the ability to self-correct.

Invincibility is an illusion. “Perfect” people always fall.

(Continued below)


One of the worst Kool-Aid flavours Fetlife has to serve up is the idea that subs and bottoms rarely make mistakes. As long as our dominants and sadists are being open and accountable, the rest of us can relax because they’re the ones with all the control (unless we’re in the mood for writing one of those “Subs Are the Ones with all the Power” posts, in which case, we’ll be forgetting our power the second we click “express yourself.”)

If the truth was a rung on a ladder, it would be the one all the way at the bottom, because those who exist closest to it don’t have very far to fall, which means less harm all around. If you’re doing kink from Cloud 9 instead, the injuries might be difficult to recover from.

Subs can cause as much destruction as tops can. The main difference is that the harm bottoms end up suffering is more likely to be to our own.

There are two things I’m not referring to here: abuse and disobedience. I have no horse in the “How to be a Perfect Slave” race, so you’ll have to deal with that kind of error on your own time. As for abuse, that’s always the abuser’s fault.

Junkie pride is the self-importance addicts have for being hard-core. There’s a hierarchy, with mainlining heroin addicts at the top, above crack addicts, and so forth. I wish we had an equivalent term for that mentality in the BDSM community. Being the most hard-core pain slut doesn’t make you any more special than shooting up heroin would, so there really is no reason to push your limits. Being the most obedient slave might get you some temporary brownie points, but a mentally healthy sub is quite a lot more desirable than one who burns out and loses himself to the kind of relationship he wasn’t ready for or didn’t want.

We don’t talk nearly enough about bottoms’ mistakes in this community, and we’re paying for that every single day.


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