The Last Living Heterosexuals in the Kink World

Heterosexuals are the most threatened species in the kink world, so rare that myths about them abound. Some believe the heterosexual is already extinct, only ever having heard rumours of its existence. Others have been fortunate enough to have met a real life straight person, but seeing doesn’t always mean believing—some think heterosexuals are merely bisexuals in denial. This is not true. Fetlife is, indeed, a habitat that still supports members who are only attracted to the opposite sex.

The International Union for Conservation of Nature on Fetlife (IUCNF) once worked to protect the survival of the heterosexual, but recently its policy changed. The vice president of IUCNF, David Fettenborough, said, “Why conserve a species that is less adaptive to its ecosystem? In layman’s terms, why bother to preserve a breed that can fuck only half the people that bisexuals can? Sex is, after all, what the world revolves around.”

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Fettenborough has a point: bisexuals have double the population of fuckable people to choose from, making heterosexuals more sensitive to changes in their environment—if too many of the opposite sex get taken, straight people lose their ability to mate. Despite attempts at captive breeding to build a healthy population of heterosexuals, numbers remain low because sexual orientation has been found to be unrelated to genes. There is no known way to ensure the survival of the heterosexual, so National Fetlifegraphic is collecting profile photographs to preserve memory of this rare breed. History books will keep the species alive, if only in memory.

Some believe that the heterosexual only became endangered when kink communities encouraged members to be more adventurous about who they played with, but this is another common myth. Alfred Kinsey’s 1950s study found that 46% of men were bisexual, and more recent studies suggest that less than 33% of people are exclusively heterosexual. These figures are most likely inflated, because the Kinsey scientists are too dumbass to have included pansexuals, the heterocurious, and asexuals in the study.

Belief in the existence of heterosexuals is so rare in the kink world that members tend to respond with enormous grief when they meet them, often saying they wish said heterosexual was bi for the following reasons:

* 1) They want to fuck them.

* 2) They want to imagine fucking them.

* 3) They want to talk about fucking them.

* 4) They want to watch other people fucking them.

Contrary to popular opinion, not all heterosexuals are happy with their orientations. One straight person told David Fettenborough, “Being straight is kinda like liking only Lindt chocolate. You don’t get to try Nutella. Or Belgian chocolate. Or Dutch chocolate—have you tasted that shit? Not as smooth as Swiss, but fuck me if it doesn’t have more flavour. If I were bi, I’d definitely fuck The_Wolf, but as a heterosexual, all I get to enjoy is a variety of different vaginas. And that’s not real variety.” “Sure, I’d fuck you,” said Fettenborough, “but you’re straight, so I can’t.”

Heterosexuals are most common in the lakes and rivers of the K&P region, whereas another of the kink community’s most endangered species, the homosexual, is native to its bamboo forests. Biologists calculate that those who are attracted to only one sex will be extinct within five generations.


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