The New York Times published a poll this morning stating that eight in 10 Fetlife members are addicted to the site. Side effects include an inability to read stuff without arguing about it, an obsession with fake celebrities, and an inability to get turned on at the sight of nekked people. The general interwebz are suffering from The Fetlife Effect, with vanilla sites like Cracked.com experiencing an incline in comments like: “Yes, but Angelina Jolie isn’t a Fetlebrity, so she doesn’t know shit about sex.”
It’s imperative that Fetlife members diagnose their addictions before the entire internet becomes a kink fest. If all four million members treat their addictions early, there might be some hope of preserving all that vanilla crap that happens off site. David Fettenborough said, “It’s crucial that we conserve the vanillas, or kinksters will lose their sense of superiority, and then where will we be?”
To determine whether you’re a Fet Addict, please tick the statements that apply to you.
-1) When I read stuff off Fet, I often think, “You’re not Master_James_, so what the fuck do you know?”
-2) I feel disoriented when nobody disagrees with my Facebook status updates.
-3) When I saw the number ‘three’ I came.
-4) I don’t think this quiz is accurate because it wasn’t written by Solo8.
-5) I have feelings of inferiority when my formatting comes out in hashtags instead of pretty red letters.
-7) I start experiencing heart palpitations if I go more than an hour without kissing Girl_Named_Bill’s avatar.
-8) When I type more than two sentences without typos, I bang my head against the wall as punishment.
-9) If The Rolling Stones’ Painted Black was written by a Fetlebrity, I have an opinion on which one it would be.
-10) I find it difficult to decide which is more important: reading Outermind or Innermind.
If you did this quiz, you are addicted to Fetlife. Please seek treatment with your nearest ‘love’ button.