Vibrators Were Invented by God and Manufactured by Eveready

I’ve discovered a toy created by Zeus to change the lives of every woman on planet earth and beyond. I’m sorry that I didn’t find it sooner, but that’s just the necessary downside of being a sceptic. When the entire world tells me through all forms of popular culture that a certain sex toy is a necessity, do I believe them? Hell, no. I’m a sceptic. I live my life without the conspiracy theories and quack woo that dominate social media.

If you’d told me three days back that there was a toy that caused instant and infinite orgasms, I would have told you to throw your opinion on the ‘stupid’ pile next to Ufology and The One Twue Way. Apparently, I would have been wrong. Apparently there really is such a thing as an ‘instant orgasm’.

By ‘instant’, I do mean ‘instant’. I don’t even get to start the ridiculous subby consent interview in porn clips. That’s not an exaggeration, and the magic tool that supplies them is called a ‘vibrator’. Say what? You’ve heard of them? Interesting.

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I got my first one at the sprightly age of 40. I’m more disappointed than embarrassed about the fact that I took so long to try this tiny piece of magic so late in life, but better now than never.

I have a rational reason for being a slow adopter, I swear. I just didn’t believe the hype, not that there was enough of it. Why haven’t you all given vibrators better word-of-mouth advertising? It’s your public duty to let the sloths of society know about things that are this important. You go on and on about magic wands, but I’ve yet to see a post about vibrators on this site. I realise they’re too vanilla to be cool, but you should have told me about them anyway.

My life is forever changed, and that’s not an exaggeration either. Suddenly orgasms are a second away. That’s some serious ease of use. They’ve now become my method of choice for getting rid of headaches, bad moods, and chocolate cravings.

I intend on having more headaches, bad moods, and chocolate cravings.

I might even stop being an atheist. Who could possibly have invented something this awesome except an ancient, all knowing, magical god?

Oh, and about that Eveready thing… I have two words for you: rechargeable batteries.

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