Wherever You Go, There You Are

I used to be one of those people who couldn’t understand why her life was like a minefield. Wherever I went, chaos exploded all around me. I couldn’t figure out why I was the only person I knew who existed with so much anarchy around her. When things are that fucked up, there are two options:

• Confront the problem by facing the truth.
• Run.

I ran. I ran to a new city, but then my new life turned into my old life, only with different scenery and players so I ran to another city. There are many cities on this planet, so I wasn’t going to run out of them anytime soon. The alternative, to look inward, was too terrifying to contemplate. I had a sense that what I’d have to admit to myself was worth running away from.

(Continued below)

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There was something inherently wrong with the way I was living, but I was too wound up in denial to see it clearly. There are consequences to everything, and that minefield was the result of my own behaviour.

Wherever you go, there you are.

The rule of three says that if you do something once, it’s worthy of forgiveness. If you do it twice, it’s a serious mistake. If you do it three times, though, you’re actively choosing that behaviour. Deciding, second by second, day by day, not to look at my bullshit was exactly the same as choosing to feed it to my loved ones.

I ran from them, too, of course. It was impossible to have a healthy relationship with me, and I was the only one who didn’t know that because I was too busy throwing blame at others. Every time I moved to a new man, the same chaos reappeared like magic.

Wherever you go, there you are.

I didn’t find the courage to take a realistic look at myself until an entire decade had passed. A lot of years have gone by since I stopped running. There are consequences to everything, but every so often, they take the form of moonlight and roses instead of minefields and chaos.

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