Mr Dating Site Message

Mr Pseudo-intellectual

I know big words. I will now use my postmodern dictionary to weave my intellect around you like a giant and annoying spider web. I will use terms like deconstructivist paradigm of consensus, which I will put next to other words that don’t really mean anything because I think I’m way more intelligent than you, so you won’t notice that everything I just said makes no sense whatsoever. Did I say pretextual cultural theory yet? Yep. I know that term, too, because I found it on Wikipedia. Do you love me yet? Let’s fuck.

Mr Puzzle Solver

Watch me and weep as I prove my supreme intellect to you by using your profile to figure out everything about you. When I first read your ‘about me’ section I thought, “writer,” but noooo! That would be too easy! Then I saw you mentioned sketching. You’re in advertising, amirite? And unlike everyone else, you really do live in Antarctica, and your affiliate profile is Oxford! Ha! Gotcha! Do you love me yet? Let’s fuck.

Mr First Base

  1. Do you love me yet? Let’s fuck.

(Continued below)


Mr Curious

I’m not too sure what I’m talking about. I don’t have too much to say, really, but I do want to make you horny. I know I can achieve this by using words like ‘wet’ and ‘lick’. I will now sext you, but because I feel embarrassed, I will use words like ‘yoni’ and ‘intercourse’. I know you’re at least curious, no?

The Lover

I am the most romantic dom on Fetlife, so please pay attention to my flowery words. Your lips look like rosebuds touched by the morning dew, and your hair is like angel’s tears touched by the dawn’s light. Here are some quotations out of Song of Songs, which I think you won’t recognise because obscure reference. Your breasts are like two dears in heat. Do you love me yet? Let’s fuck.


I read through your profile, journal, fetishes, and groups with a pad of sticky notes and sharpie on hand. My study of you is so organised it looks like one of those evidence walls you see in CIA movies. I use mind-maps to meticulously record facts about you in categories and subcategories.  Then I note what we have in common using a red marker. So you’re a feminist, huh? Me, too. We have much in common, you and I. I even joined that group you own yesterday, which I actually wanted to join ages ago, although that is not stalkerish at all. This sentence will end in a period because, like you, I’m also into punctuation.  Do you love me yet? Let’s fuck.

Mr Subject Line

Subject: How R U? Do U Love me Yet? Let’s

Message: fuck


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