My Solution to the Online Asshole Problem

Dear Internet Assholes

It’s come to my attention that your numbers have been growing lately. The internet is no longer willing to exist in the same environment as douchebags, but never fear, because I have the perfect solution.

I realise that your goal in life is to annoy people online from your elaborate gaming chair, and far be it from me to take away your hobby. Trolls have the right to troll. SJW-bullies should be able to rage, and random-hook-up-dudes seeking playmates via oversexed “How R U” messages have as much of a right to be here as everyone else. We get that, so I’m not asking you to leave the site permanently.

All I’m suggesting is that you limit your annoying bullshit to targets who also spread annoying bullshit all over the site. From now on, haters must annoy The Perpetually Offended, SJWs are responsible for offending How R U dudes, and Random Hookup douche-canoes should send their oversexed, typo-ridden messages to trolls.

(Continued below)


This achieves two things at once.

  • 1) It gives you the chance to behave like an asshole without that niggling conscience that sometimes disturbs your appetite for Cheetos.
  • 2) It lets the non-assholes among us get revenge on the douchebags who’ve been irritating us for years without our needing to lift a typing finger.

This plan can be tactically applied to achieve maximum irritation. F’rinstance, SJWs are too badass to be affected by leery “How R U” message writers, so I suggest the latter seek out trolls instead. They’re not used to being hit on, so they haven’t yet developed the thick skin needed to resist getting pissed off by sloppy syntax and sexual harassment. Go ahead and tell them how much you want to “tye them 2 a doorway & fuk there brains out.”

As for you rage junkies, your power to annoy is far-reaching. You’ll achieve maximum irritation rates regardless of which douches you target.

Trolls and haters, I get that you need to irritate a greater number of people per day than all the other assholes on the internet, so I suggest a group war. Some of you have been sending toxic attacks to spotting groups for years, and yet nobody’s been declared a winner yet. It’s about time you stepped up your game. Stay away from us is all I’m saying.

As for you stalkers and other random criminals, kindly fuck right off.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation. We look forward to many asshole-free days. We wish the opposite for you.


Leader of Your Resident Douche-Canoe Human Resources Division


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