May You Have a Long and Fruitful Relationship with 20 000 Delete Buttons

Know what your average female’s inbox looks like on dating sites? A clusterfuck. Sometimes my PC deletes PMs before I have a chance to reply. No, really. It isn’t my fault. It’s Microsoft’s. These are the ones that get binned… by Bill Gates, you understand.

How are you?


How are you now?


I’ll make room for the socially inept, but not for the lazy. I wouldn’t waste a stranger’s time with this little effort, so I’m not likely to let you waste mine that way. If we’ve met, by all means send me a “how are you doing,” but if not, please remember that you’re not meeting me at a coffee shop, so I ignore any small talk from strangers. I know it’s hard to write a longer sentence, but so is long-term celibacy, and that’s exactly what ‘how are you’ messages are going to guarantee you.

Why don’t you have any nudes?

Just because I’m kinky, doesn’t mean I owe you my body. <delete>

You’re hawt.

<delete> I only correspond with people who show an interest in my personality because I need to save the rest of my day for eating strawberries and Nutella.


What’s it like to live in South Africa?

Let me Google that for you. Now I need to watch The Walking Dead.

I know, I know, this message really should be on my ‘to respond to’ pile, but writing touristy essays about my country has begun to feel more like work than fun because I’ve been doing it every week for the year I’ve been using this site. Just in case you were wondering, I’m here to have fun.

Exclusion: if we’re already friends, I’m fine with this question. Why? Fuck knows. I just am.

Will you give me writing feedback?

Sure. I charge $2 a word, unless you’re offering to fix my PC for free. I could really use a new internal hard drive. Ta. Why? Well, to begin with, 99% of you will get angry at the harshness of my feedback. Secondly, my workdays are spent giving writing feedback in exchange for cold, hard cash, so it just isn’t a fun thing to do, especially for freeloaders. In case you’re still wondering, I’m here to have fun.

Kitten, darling, princess

<delete> If you and I have never spoken, terms of endearment are way too familiar. They also make me itch all over in a not-so-fun way, and I’m here to have? Fun. Yep. You’re getting the idea now.

I don’t believe everyone on your friends list has sent you a message before adding you so I don’t know why I should.

Actually, I got to know everyone on my friends list in some capacity before adding them, but that’s beside the point. You’ve started a conversation with me using covert aggression, so I don’t want to know how you’ll end up treating me later. <delete>

If you don’t want to hook up, I’ll still talk to you.

Not one person who’s said this to me has continued the discussion after I told them I wasn’t interested in fucking them. If you were interested in my personality you wouldn’t have led with sex. <delete>

I get it, there’s a fuckton of potential cyber-sex partners and random hook-ups on any given dating site, so you can’t be expected to put effort into writing to all 20 000 of them. That’s exactly the point, though: I’m not here to be treated like one of 20 000 random hook-ups. Few of us are. There are more than enough people here who treat us like the individuals we are, so may you have a long and fruitful relationship with 20 000 delete buttons.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s