The Difference Between a Dominant and an Energy Vampire

I’ve met a few dominants whose need for constant attention and validation are infinite wells that swallow everything and never fill. If you prioritise your wants and needs above your sub’s in all scenarios, maybe you’re not a D-type at all. Maybe you’re an energy vampire.

I understand that there’s a narrow line between dominance and selfishness if you’ve never looked into the ethics of D/s, but if you’re going to take the role, you have a moral duty to find out what dominance is and is not. I’ll get you started: “Dominant” is not a synonym for “taker”.

Energy vampires are bad enough in vanilla relationships, but in D/s, the harm rises to a whole new level. If you want to exist selfishly, you cannot be a safe dominant. End. Of. Story. Subs, by definition, submit. Subs, by nature, give. Wannabe dominants steamroll all over that because dominance means getting everything you want, right?

Yeah. Right.

(Continued below)


A dominant is someone who participates in power exchange, not power theft.
An energy vampire is someone who drains others of their physical and emotional resources.

Power exchange needs to come with giving on both sides of the slash. Not providing a shred of generosity, safety, or compassion? Then you’re not a dominant. You’re just using the label to get what you want, which is commonly known as “exploitation.”

Having a relationship with such people is like living out The Giving Tree in 3-D animated Technicolor. The tree in the story is only too happy to hand over its resources. Eventually, though, its leaves and branches are gone and it has nothing left to give. As for the boy, he’s left too exhausted to stand.

Not a soul has enough resources to give ceaselessly. Eventually, we dry up. It’s tempting to take every benefit you can from a sub. I get that. I imagine it’s much like getting set free in a chocolate factory. You want to enjoy the excess of it, but if that’s you, you’re behaving amorally.

In fact, you’re not participating in kink at all because around these parts, we do things consensually and ethically. I’m guessing you haven’t informed your sub that you intend to exploit her. That makes you an abuser, not a kinkster. Get yourself a healthy self-esteem and try returning when you’re ready to participate in a win/win relationship.


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