When Kink Destroys

My first profound D/s relationship taught me that BDSM spelled intimacy, love, and connection. These days, I’m struggling to see it that way. I can write you essay upon cerebral essay about what makes kink and abuse different. Intellectualising is hardly my weakness, but life doesn’t happen in logical chunks of data. It happens in a huge, tangled mess.

I’ve tried to disentangle it, and all I have is that BDSM and abuse cannot coexist comfortably. If a dominant is destroying your psyche, kink just leaves you raw and fragile, which goes with submission like a third-degree burn and a dirty blade.

(Continued below)


There were times in my last relationship when I would cling to my self-worth for hours of his rage, but if I did manage to achieve that in the moment, it seems I lost the self-esteem I’d managed to retain every time we played. Being a masochist to someone who puts you in that state is just going to create secondary trauma, even when there is consent. I fought harder for him than for my own dignity, and without trust, BDSM doesn’t make holding onto your self-respect any easier. I only made it out floating on luck. Chance. A few stellar friends.

Submission pushes you to trust sooner than you would otherwise so it asks for epic levels of compassion from a dominant. When neither of those two things don’t exist, BDSM flays your spirit alive. Coercion, I could tolerate. Broken limits, I could tolerate. Having my trust violated in complete absence of empathy? That left me too ruined to get involved again, even in a vanilla way.

My inner slut was made for wild sex and threesomes, but my conservativeness has risen over the last year to the extent that I’m reluctant to risk having a kink relationship again. Submission used to be a pure and beautiful thing to me. Today, kink and ugliness must necessarily exist in the same sentence. D/s seems like far too much of a risk. I’ve removed myself from my local community, notwithstanding a few friends. I’ll need to stay single for a good long while, but I’ll find my way back. There is no alternative.

Now I want to bury my sexuality beneath a shroud where nobody will see it. Last week I wrote about surviving, and certainly, that’s what I’ve done, but it doesn’t extend to kink. Not yet. One day it will, but not today.




6 thoughts on “When Kink Destroys

  1. I’m in a very similar boat as you right now. A narcissist parading as a Dom left me totally mindfucked and emotionally wrecked. I had nightmares from stress afterwards. Yet all I wanted to do was beg his forgiveness. I took down my fet profile and quit talking to most of the community in general. That isolation is what they want, it’s still exerting control in a way. But it’s so hard to not cloister and go dark after something like that.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. All relationships are built upon trust, but it is compromise that keeps them together. A Sub doesn’t give up their agency to a Dom. They still have a voice and deserve respect. While a Dom might have certain needs and desires, they have to ensure that those of the Sub are being met as well. That can only happen when the Dom pursues a course of compromise. It’s the Dom’s job to make sure things are balanced. Why? Because the Dom is supposed to be the one in control. And as these comments suggest, Subs sometimes lose themselves and begin to sacrifice too much.

    No one in a relationship should have it all their way. Both sides must make a sacrifice. Both sides must also want whats best for their partner and the relationship. When the middle ground is out of reach it’s a sure thing that someone will be miserable and the relationship will likely fail.


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