Your Application to do BDSM Your Way Has Been Declined

Hello! We’re Fetlife—the Fetlife that existed long before you showed up thinking you were equal to the rest of us. It’s a common mistake for noobs. Happens all the time, but we’ve had enough of your attitude. We’ve had more kinky sex than you in crazier ways than you, and we’re tired of you doing relationships your way.

We’re so kinky we start every day by suspending ourselves from the ceiling using only our teeth. We never end a play session with fewer than 50 new scars. We use loaded 18th-century shotguns instead of dildos, so don’t even think of trying to have your own opinion about kink. Fetlife knows better than you because we are better than you.

We heard that you’re calling yourself a sub. We don’t remember approving your dropdown menu choice, and we most certainly never gave you permission to be in a D/s relationship. Only the purest of the pure get to do that, and you’re new, so you’re too vanilla. We bet you even read that Christian Grey book. Don’t you know you Fifty Shades people are banned from the site?

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There was no such thing as BDSM till we arrived on the scene six years ago, so if you want to say you’re in a D/s relationship, you’ll have to spend the next three years looking upon our superiority and trembling first.

You want to know what real submission looks like? We mop our floors with our tongues while wearing spider gags and spreader bars. We drool on command and have vaginas made of scar tissue, yet we still have 20 squirting orgasms a day in under five minutes (also on command, obviously), so if you think you can do relationships your way, you’ve got another thing coming. If you don’t go to work every day wearing a blue diamond butt plug, you’re not a sub. You’re a fake.

Don’t think we missed you supposed Dominants. Just yesterday 500 of you joined and instantly called yourself Masters. We’ve had enough of it. We make our own floggers out of pigs we slaughtered on the peaks of Mt. Everest, and we drink the blood while we’re tanning the leather. We learned shibari in the temple of Kiyomizu-dera after practicing the holy art of barehanded spanking with the Dalai Lama himself. Do you still think you deserve to call yourself a Dominant? We thought not.

We see that the lot of you have started talking about things like street harassment and sexism, too. We earned our political correctness by studying with the great Arundhati Roy in the slums of Dharavi for two decades, so kindly stop behaving as though you know anything about feminism. We don’t remember seeing you at The Social Justice awards ceremony last year.

We’d love it if you’d just shut the hell up now. All your damned typing is making us nauseous. Which one of you sent through an application for permission to have your own opinion? Exactly! None of you! We suggest you remember that the next time you consider calling yourself kinky.

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