What I Believe but Cannot Prove

If you play a song five times on repeat, you deserve to be murdered as slowly as you murdered the song. If I play a song five times on repeat, it’s called “A Party”.

When a computer stalls, telling it to “hurry the fuck up, asshole” will make it hurry the fuck up (asshole). Computers have poor self-esteem and only do shitty things when they get arrogant.

When you’ve lost your glasses, standing in the middle of the room calling them as though they’re a dog will cause them to walk up to you and say, “Here I am.”

If you show up at a kink party wearing flats, your shoes automatically become invisible.

If you tell the internet douche on your monitor to go fuck himself, he will hear you, especially if he lives on another continent and you shout loudly enough.

Swearing at the thing that fell off the shelf will make it regret it, so it will definitely think twice before falling off again.

Begging for thunderstorms causes thunderstorms 99.76% of the time.

If you don’t understand physics, they don’t exist.

If you don’t look up what an acronym means, you can laugh at how funny it sounds for longer.

If you finally cave and look that five-year-old acronym up to find out what it means, every soul on the planet will instantly stop using it.

What you can’t see does not exist, including the back of your hair, your ass, and the hole in your cardigan.

Dogs make the world go around. There is no problem that five minutes with a puppy can’t fix.

If you get undressed in front of the window, nobody will ever see you from the street, so no worries.

If you feel annoyed enough when your neighbour’s baby cries, it will stop immediately.

Toothpaste will always creep onto your outfit, even if you brush your teeth before getting dressed.

It’s literally impossible to wash toothpaste out of clothing.

If Kevin Spacey shows up in the movie you’re watching, be sure to fix your hair. He can see you through the screen and will ask you out on a date if you look hot enough.


(Edge.org asked the world’s greatest minds what they believed but couldn’t prove because people with high IQs often know things before the evidence crops up. They didn’t ask me what I believed but can’t prove. Clearly they just forgot.)

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