More of What I Believe but Cannot Prove

  • Jelly Bellies have zero fat, therefore they’re vegetables.
  • $20 blow-dries will evaporate within one nanosecond of your leaving the hairstylist, but only if you’re going on a date later. If you’re just going to the supermarket, they last all. Fucking. Day.
  • Every belt is destined for my ass.
  • When you watch a horror movie, monsters immediately go hide under your bed—even if your bed isn’t on legs, so keep your feet on the mattress. Monsters don’t go under beds when you’re watching rom coms, though, so no problem there.
  • Euthanasia is a perfectly valid solution to having no decent coffee in the house.
  • Of course you can be an atheist and believe in hell. Where else are pop-up windows, auto-play videos, and assholes going to go? Exactly.

(Continued below)

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  • Cellulite doesn’t exist. It just doesn’t. Even if you can see it in the mirror, it’s not there.
  • Computer cords are very long snakes that coil themselves into knots while you’re sleeping. And eat stray socks.
  • When you’re cooking your signature dish, you automatically become 12, 967 times sexier than you usually are.

  • I will unquestionably and categorically get laid tomorrow even though I don’t have a date. It will just happen all by itself, like magic.
  • If you forget to do your eyebrows for longer than two weeks, the entire global population finds out about it, especially the celebrities.
  • Always close your other browsers while watching porn or someone will hear you through your non-existent microphone.
  • A biscuit tin is a perfectly legitimate décor item.
  • Dust doesn’t accumulate on anything that’s below waist level except the floor. Ever. But while you’re not looking it does run on its tiny little legs and hides behind the computer.
  • USB ports do somersaults every time you use them to trick you.
  • Drinking two litres of water in one day gives you instant six-pack abs.
  • Gordon Ramsay would totally love my cooking.
  • You have one second to pluck out that stray pubic hair that just showed up out of nowhere or you’ll definitely die.
  • Creases on clothes are entirely invisible if you don’t own an iron.

(Edge.org asked the world’s greatest minds what they believed but couldn’t prove because people with high IQs often know things before the evidence crops up. They didn’t ask me what I believed but can’t prove. Clearly they just forgot.)

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2 thoughts on “More of What I Believe but Cannot Prove

  1. You’re dead wrong about the belts as not all of them are destined for you ass. My belts, as a simple example, are not. But that is the only dissonant in your otherwise correct list.

    By the way drinking 4 liters of water ever day does give you a 12 pack abs. That seems logic. It is awesome and very sexy and looks good on a dick pick. But is is very dangerous to do drink that amount of water a day so not many people are aware of this true fact.

    I can also certify that the leading lady of a rom com tends to hide not under but in my bed only to makes a noticeable appearance in my dreams. I don’t like it a bit because that means I’ll have to wash my bed linen the next day.

    I never watch porn as I noticed on several occasions that female actresses get distracted when I start masturbating in front of the screen. I haven’t found out why yet but I have a lead as most of them start laughing after a few seconds.

    Loved your post, very funny.

    Liked by 1 person

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