In the beginning, when god created the kink universe, sex was desolate and dull as fuck. The raging hormones that engulfed the male and female libidos were dissatisfied with missionary sex in the dark, and the spirit of vanilla covered everything. Then the kink god commanded, “Let there be butt plugs”– and butt plugs appeared. God was pleased with what he saw, and so was Adam, for it brought him comfy anal. Then he separated vanilla from kink, and he named vanilla ‘crap’ and kink ‘superior.’ The evening kink party passed and morning came—that was the first day.
Then the kink god commanded, “Let there be dominants to satisfy all subs and serve them orgasms and bring them coffee”—and it was done. So the kink god made the first dominant, and he immediately brought SpanishRed some Nutella hot chocolate, as god had ordained.
Then the kink god commanded, “Let the dominants and submissives come together in a really well stocked dungeon, so that subs may be eternally satisfied”—and it was done. He named the dominants “servants” and the subs he named “The Queen Bees of the Kink Universe.” And god was pleased with what he saw.
Then he commanded, “Let sex shops produce all kinds of new toys: those that are thuddy, those that are stingy, those that are ropey, and those that are buzzy </rhyme>”—and it was done. So sex shops produced every kind of magic wand, and SpanishRed was more pleased than anyone else in the universe with what she saw—that was the third day.
Then the kink god commanded, “Let kinky munches begin. They will give kinksters a way to get laid when they’re horny, which is always”—and it was done. He made all the hawtest dominants own belts to rule over every butt plugged ass. He also made ben wah balls. The evening munch passed and morning came—that was the fourth day.
Then the kink god commanded, “Let the kink world be filled with many kinds of kinky beings and sexy men.” So god created hedonists, all kinds of sadists, and brats. He blessed them and told the sadists to always buy their brats gifts. So sadists did that, and the brats were pleased with what they got.
Then the kink god said, “And now we will teach dominants how to make subs extra happy; they will love being pranked and have a passion for glitter. They will provide cupcakes and not mind at all when their subs spank them. Subs will have a weird kind of power over the sadists, the tops, and all dominants, tame and wild. He blessed brats and said, “Go forth and plant grass in your dominants’ keyboards. I am putting you in charge of dying their T-shirts lilac and spreading glue on the toilet seat”—and it was done. The kink god looked at the kink community he had made, and unlike the dominants, he was very pleased.
By the seventh day the brats had gone apeshit and so the dominants rested and went to anger management classes and counted slowly to 10.