Abuse doesn’t come from anger, insecurity, or (usually) pathology. It doesn’t simmer to the surface from the emotions. Emotions are only a side effect. Abuse isn’t even rooted in a crappy history—there are as many abusers who were abused as children as there are abusers who had happy childhoods. Their childhoods are only their excuse.
Abuse is not a defence. It’s an attack, but thanks, Freud, for trying.
Abusers abuse because of what they believe, not what they feel. They abuse because they think they’re entitled to own you. You are their accessory. You are not a person, but an object. You have no right to your feelings. There is no space where your abuser ends and you begin because you are nothing more than an extension of them. That’s why they feel authorised to mistreat you—you aretheirs. You have no right to your autonomy.
If it were true that they had no healthy conflict resolution skills, they would let their rage and manipulation obliterate their impression management campaigns. Their careers and friendships would be in chaos. They would exist as solitary entities who were constantly being arrested, fired, and despised. If it were true that they couldn’t resolve conflict civilly, they would be all Hyde and no Jekyll and you would never have attached to them in the first place.