Sometimes I wonder which planet supplies Fetlife with its members because I haven’t found such an arbitrary blend of speshullness anywhere else on the web. My Fetlife inbox has seen enough colour to make a rainbow, and not always the pretty kind.
Sometimes this site’s strangers have an uncanny knowledge of my tricks and talents. Just ask the guy who said my writing is “skeary” because I use “speshal language patturns” to hypnotise my readers. Now you know why you keep reading my posts: If you read every third word, it says, “SpanishRed is master of the universe” over and over again. If you’ve ever received a more interesting accusation than that one, I’ll give you my entire year’s supply of unworn stilettos.
By far the most common brand of stupidity sent to me comes from complete strangers who live on the other side of the globe who genuinely think I’d climb onto a plane to meet them before I know a damn thing about them. No, MrIdiotPants, I don’t want to travel from South Africa to Florida to hook up with a man who can’t even say hello before asking me to spend $2, 000 on a date. How does this one get so much coverage?
The second most common annoying first message I receive is the 3, 000 word expose, which generally contains every pathology Mr Message has ever been diagnosed with for some odd reason. Come to think of it, maybe that correlation is not that weird.
A while ago I received a message from a snake oil salesman who tried to sell me industrial strength bleach as a cancer cure. After trying to convince me that it was safe because it was actually used in tap water, we… what? You want to hear more about that first? Sure. He wanted me to pay money for something on the basis of it being what comes out of my tap for free. That was his selling point—that and the fact that his cancer cure doesn’t cause that much cancer because logic and shit.
Maybe Fetlife is so rich in colour because we’re all weird here. Well, what I mean is you’re all weird. I’m not. Not at all. I don’t bring any weirdness to other people’s inboxes. Not me. Nope.