The Fetlife Asshole Experiment

I’ve developed the one and only evidence-based hypothesis about how to prevent assholes from messaging you on Fetlife. You can finally relax in the knowledge that you’re about to learn tricks that will get every douchebag to skip past your profile entirely without even noticing it.

My Fetlife profile, as you see it today, is made from the leftovers of my many and varying experiments into douchedom and beyond. It’s an historical artefact of my research as the sole living Fetlife anthropologist studying douchebags today.

The Pseudo-Intellectual Experiment

I’m sure you can see the irony of this experiment’s title, but try to ignore it. The premise of this first leg of my research was sheer genius: Surely all assholes are of below average intelligence, so if I threw a whole fuckton of pseudointellectual bullshit all over my profile, assholes would take a short right to the next profile without stopping at mine.

(Continued below)



  • Pseudointellectual claptrap just attracts pseudointellectuals.
  • I would rather swallow a butt plug than talk to pseudointellectuals.

Experiment Outcome: Failure.

The Sock Puppet Experiment

My second experiment aimed to discover the effects of The Fake Dom. Only the scariest faux boyfriend would do. Unfortunately, Lesson Two in the Fetlife Textbook of Assholery states that being a douche and giving a fuck about stepping on another man’s toes are mutually exclusive.

Observations: Not all assholes are cowards. Some just don’t give a fuck.

Experiment Outcome: Failure.

The Nonsense Experiment

Fine. So my brilliant hypotheses weren’t very brilliant, but how about just making my profile complete nonsense?


  • This attempt at an experiment was lame as fuck.
  • Assholes don’t read profiles in order to understand them. They skim for words and phrases so they can pretend they read them.

Experiment Outcome: Failure.

The Domly Dom Permission Experiment

If a fake scary dom didn’t work, obviously all I needed was one who insisted men ask him for permission before sending me a message. This one’s clearly going to be a success. How can it not be?


  • I might as well have changed over to a pussy pic avatar for all the good this one did.
  • If there’s one thing assholes love, it’s to do the complete opposite of what you’ve asked.

Outcome: Nothing prevents assholes from sending you messages.

Observations from my entire ethnographic journey:

During my research, I made an accidental discovery about boosting your asshole messages by exactly 67 gazillion: Fuckwits of all kinds are attracted to rants about fuckwits like slaves to a Hitachi. The more you ask them to go away, the more messages they send you. I can’t be sure about the reasons for this annoying-as-fuck cultural norm, but my working hypothesis is that it’s because assholes are, by nature, assholes.

Basically, we’re fucked.


One thought on “The Fetlife Asshole Experiment

  1. “Exactly 67 gazillion…”

    Yep, that sounds pretty accurate.

    Reading this made me smile. Unfortunately, I haven’t found anything that can stop the constant onslaught of assholes, but at least we can laugh about their upfuckery.


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