Thoughts While Reading Cosmo’s Most Idiotic Sex Tips

All sex tips in grey are from Cosmopolitan magazine. I’m not even joking. I didn’t even have to look hard.

Put a raft in a pool and attempt to have sex while on top of it. First person to fall off loses and dies.

I’m never telling anyone I used to write for Cosmo.

Hold his penis with one hand and tap it lightly with the other. You can tap it back and forth like you’re volleying a tennis ball.

<blinks> Does J3wel write for Cosmo? Did she write this?

Penises and mouths are not usually the same size

That’s what throats are for you ass.

More blowjobs.

Will you be providing the penis? Please and thank you.

(Continued below)


The heart of the ocean. That’s what you call your g-spot, right? 

You know me so well I’m beginning to think you’re my sister. Does she write for Cosmo, too?

Literally no one can deep-throat without gagging.

Really? <raises eyebrow> And there is literally no chocolate in my house. <goes to fetch chocolate>

Visit a museum to get in the mood

Ahdunno. I’m the type who gets in the mood by giving blowjobs, which reminds me, I’m really looking forward to that penis you say you sent me.

You can spice things up by wearing your favourite statement necklace like a loincloth.

I was thinking of spicing things up by adding a penis to my life, but this seems like a perfectly adequate alternative.

Give feedback like a speaker at a punk show. Feedback can be made of words, movements, or even drawings should they be necessary.

The last time I used interpretive dance to explain how my ex-boyfriend should go down on me, he took me to stay at my sister’s house and told her I wasn’t to be left unsupervised for at least a week. A month later when I started sketching in the middle of anal, he got all offended. When he saw how cute my drawing was, he took out his belt to reward me, so all’s well that ends well I suppose.

Honestly, though, never deepthroat.

Oh, my next boyfriend is going to love you. Imma tell him you’re the one who gave me that advice so he can express his gratitude.

Moaning “I’m gonna come” over and over can make it happen.

I just came from reading that.

Try to keep the lights off so you can’t see him.

Try finding yourself a man you don’t hate enough to want to keep the lights off.

Don’t forget the blowjob.

I’m beginning to think you’re never going to deliver that penis.



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