E managed to achieve an impossible balance between profound love and utter depravity. Isn’t that what most subs want? A dominant who can switch flawlessly between perversion and intimacy and still draw out their submission irresistibly? It’s a rare balance. That’s why E was my turning point—he was my first dom, and he was the one with the magic ingredient that changed me forever.
As time unravels, the truth exposes itself, and what it reveals is not always what you want to see. I began to realise that E might have been the last dominant of his kind in my life, too. Having found him now seems like a scarce kind of luck.
D/s comes with a dangerous side effect: it’s precisely the kind of situational forcethat has, historically, turned ordinary people into malicious ones. There are always heroes in such stories. There are always the rare few who overcome the temptation to manipulate and abuse, but most dominant people in social experiments designed to recreate situational evil fail to hold onto their integrity. That’s why I believe that anything less than self-awareness can turn dominants into monsters, and the thing that scares me most about evil is that it doesn’t have sharp teeth. It wears banality like a shroud.
E was aware of what his sadistic and dominant tendencies could do if left to run amok. He knew how to keep his depraved side isolated from the rest of his character, so he filled my world with enough love to earn my submission unreservedly.
E also carried a lot of shame. He saw his kinks as perversions. Much as I tried to get that word “perverted” expunged from his vocabulary, he held onto it with a degree of stubbornness that makes me curious. Someone without an enth of sadism in them will probably never be able to see the image that E saw in the darkest corners of his mind, and today I wonder whether his awareness of those shadows was what made the light in him so pervasive.
Shame was something I hoped would evaporate from his life, but it seemed so tangled up in his conscience that it would have taken someone more qualified than me to unknot. As a submissive without an ounce of switch in her, I can only guess at all the cogs and wheels in E’s head that made him capable of such staunch ethics. I imagine that it’s far more difficult for a dominant to hold onto their principles than it is for a sub.
Time unravels itself, and I’m still trying to understand the truth of what separates sadism from unprincipled control. I know where my answer is hidden: somewhere in the puzzle of E.