Profile of a Fetlife Asshole-Cum-Wannabe-Primal-Cum-Not-Fucking-Vanilla

NotFuckingVanillaPiV

35 Asshole-cum-Wannabe-Primal i.e. not fucking vanilla.

Is looking for: PiV sex that isn’t fucking vanilla.


About Me


As my profile says, I’m not fucking vanilla. I’m an asshole pretending to be primal. It’s true, I write a fuckton of smut about vanilla sex. I do, however, use the words “debauched” and “brutal” a lot, and that makes me primal.

I believe that all women want PiV sex with a growling dude with a lumbersexual beard (that’s me), even if they don’t know it yet. In other words, vanilla sex that’s not vanilla because I say RAWR!!! the whole time and call everyone with a vagina a slave.

(Continued below)

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I’ve come to believe that a failure to be heteronormative is vanilla, so if you’re one of those bitches who wears a strap-on, go play on Facebook where the other non-kinky people hang out. If you haven’t figured it out yet, I am Fetlife’s resident primal expert, so if you want to interview me, please schedule an appointment with my sock puppet receptionist, who is definitely not me.

I’m famous for:

  • Writing smut that’s entirely made out of ellipses.
  • Writing words that aren’t really words but sound like growls.
  • PiV sex that’s not fucking vanilla.
  • Telling people I’m primal three times per sentence.
  • Providing lessons on how to make a woman cum purely through clitoral stimulation, a feat that no man before me has achieved. GRRRRR!!!

My smut always contains the words “deep”, “juices”, and “probe”, which proves my mettle as a writer who will one day win the Pulitzer. I’m Amazon.com’s only vanity-published primal erotica writer who wears checked shirts and has a beard that reaches his six pack. (RAWR!) That Wolf dude might have gotten there first, but did he wear a checked shirt while he wrote it? Exactly. He’s fucking vanilla. What. An. Asshole.

“This quotation was written by me because putting the shit I say in inverted commas makes me feel important.” – NotFuckingVanillaPiV

With respect to my preference for typing leonine sound effects, I’ve been on K&P five times with posts that consist entirely of GROOOWWWWLLLLIIING!!! If you’re thinking that makes me Fetlife’s only primal vanity published lumbersexual who wears checked shirts and has a beard, BANZAI!!!

I’ll say it again in case you missed it the first time: The Wolf is vanilla so I hereby remove him from his primal throne on this, the 20th day of October 2016.

I don’t believe in sitting a slave down and going over a checklist of her hard limits. If you’re not growly enough to get all women to accept whatever bullshit you throw their way, you’re vanilla. Don’t claim to be a primal predator and then write essays about consent. If I catch you bottoming from the top like that, I will block you. I don’t know where this recent trend of female dommes has come from but it ends now. Fetlife has been vanilla too long. Primals will no longer be ignored!!!!!

P.S. AWWWRRRRRROOO!!!

P. P. S: GrrrRRROWWWBRBR!!!

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