35 Asshole-cum-Wannabe-Primal i.e. not fucking vanilla.
Is looking for: PiV sex that isn’t fucking vanilla.
As my profile says, I’m not fucking vanilla. I’m an asshole pretending to be primal. It’s true, I write a fuckton of smut about vanilla sex. I do, however, use the words “debauched” and “brutal” a lot, and that makes me primal.
I believe that all women want PiV sex with a growling dude with a lumbersexual beard (that’s me), even if they don’t know it yet. In other words, vanilla sex that’s not vanilla because I say RAWR!!! the whole time and call everyone with a vagina a slave.
I’ve come to believe that a failure to be heteronormative is vanilla, so if you’re one of those bitches who wears a strap-on, go play on Facebook where the other non-kinky people hang out. If you haven’t figured it out yet, I am Fetlife’s resident primal expert, so if you want to interview me, please schedule an appointment with my sock puppet receptionist, who is definitely not me.
I’m famous for:
- Writing smut that’s entirely made out of ellipses.
- Writing words that aren’t really words but sound like growls.
- PiV sex that’s not fucking vanilla.
- Telling people I’m primal three times per sentence.
- Providing lessons on how to make a woman cum purely through clitoral stimulation, a feat that no man before me has achieved. GRRRRR!!!
My smut always contains the words “deep”, “juices”, and “probe”, which proves my mettle as a writer who will one day win the Pulitzer. I’m Amazon.com’s only vanity-published primal erotica writer who wears checked shirts and has a beard that reaches his six pack. (RAWR!) That Wolf dude might have gotten there first, but did he wear a checked shirt while he wrote it? Exactly. He’s fucking vanilla. What. An. Asshole.
“This quotation was written by me because putting the shit I say in inverted commas makes me feel important.” – NotFuckingVanillaPiV
With respect to my preference for typing leonine sound effects, I’ve been on K&P five times with posts that consist entirely of GROOOWWWWLLLLIIING!!! If you’re thinking that makes me Fetlife’s only primal vanity published lumbersexual who wears checked shirts and has a beard, BANZAI!!!
I’ll say it again in case you missed it the first time: The Wolf is vanilla so I hereby remove him from his primal throne on this, the 20th day of October 2016.
I don’t believe in sitting a slave down and going over a checklist of her hard limits. If you’re not growly enough to get all women to accept whatever bullshit you throw their way, you’re vanilla. Don’t claim to be a primal predator and then write essays about consent. If I catch you bottoming from the top like that, I will block you. I don’t know where this recent trend of female dommes has come from but it ends now. Fetlife has been vanilla too long. Primals will no longer be ignored!!!!!
P. P. S: GrrrRRROWWWBRBR!!!