Things I’ve Really Done aka Why You Don’t Want to Live with Me

Mopped myself into the centre of the floor, taken my shoes off to avoid messing it up, and then left them there for days because they looked like the invisible man.

Checked if my couch was floating above the floor while watching a horror movie. I don’t even believe in ghosts.

Given myself a tribal hairstyle and smudged my mascara all over my cheeks so that I looked like a character in “The 100” during a solo series marathon.

Forgotten I looked like a “The 100” character and gone to the supermarket like that.

Checked for ghosts behind the curtains and inside the cupboards. I still don’t believe in ghosts.

Taken photographs of 475 drains and called them “art”.

Done a four-day road trip and stayed only at B&Bs that looked like they came out of horror movies.

Did you think I was kidding about the drains?

Nope. I wasn’t kidding.

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