Sex Toys: A Drunk Post (by a Vanilla)

As inspired by

People say vanillas wouldn’t know a sex toy if it waltzed up to them and slapped them, and I’m here to prove them all right. I mean wrong. I need to up my tequila intake because it’s almost Christmas, so this is going to be a drunk post. The rules aren’t very complicated: I will share my considerable knowledge about sex toys with you, and every time I have to check if what I say is true, I’ll do a shot of tequila (as denoted by a #).

Squeezy Oral Exercise Ball


If you need to exercise your face muscles, look no further. The Squeezy will keep your jaw strong and supple so you can give one-hour blowjobs without breaking a sweat#. What’s more, those black clampy things will even hold your nipples up# if they keep on falling down. Now that’s what I call useful!

Total Drink Count: Not nearly enough

Ass Jewels


This is an easy one. Ass Jewels# were invented in 1995# by Abraham Lincoln# for prostitutes who had to walk the streets without their knickers on#. These days, you can’t leave an ass jewel lying around for a second without a dozen subs descending on the thing#. They love wearing them that much. These days, slaves use them as reflector lights# when walking around in the dark, which they do with alarming regularity#. It’s believed that butt reflectors save a minimum of 1, 967 lives a year.#

Total Drink Count: 9

Kinky Food


Kinky peeps aren’t certified to only be kinky in the luncheon. Their food has to B sexy, too. These edible asses# look delicious. Not saying I know if you’ll be alive after you eat them, but when you’re as augmented as I am, you’ll swallow anything.

Total Drink Count: Prolly less than 20.

Mr Whizzy


Come on! What the actual fuck is that, even? … uh… Fuck. Wait! I know! It’s the attachment thingie that goes inside one of those Will it Blend machines! What that has to do with kinky sex I have no ideal, but watch this dude blend a phonograph! Awesome!


Total Drink Count: I just threw up, so nau propose I’m all the way back to zero.

A Floof


Right now, I’m so truncated I could find Nemo in my Pilsner glass. Is that you, Nemo? Just keep swimming, man. Ennyway, back to sex toys. This is Norman the Floof #. I cerially do not no what a quarter of a doggo is doing on a sex toy shelf. U kinky peeps R just aeroplane weird. I think I’mma just go pass out now.

Total Drink Count: Puffy Fluff


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