Four score and three months ago. It could be three score. It could be seven score. It could be anything. It could be nothing. But seriously, six score and a month ago I brought forth this incredibly great nation of thugs who were stupid enough to elect me… and you know you love me. Everyone loves me. You love everything I build with my beautifully formed hands and it’s incredibly great to be here to Make the Gettysburg Address Great Again.
You know, I’ll just start this speech again in the middle because Lincoln was a rotten scoundrel who totally forgot to talk about me in his address. But that’s okay.
We’ve met on a very very great battlefield of the war between Kristen Stewart and Robert Patterson, it’s true. In fact many people tell me that Stewart was thinking of going back to that bozo. That’s right, and it’s incredibly fitting and great that I should get whichever beautiful, young and sexy piece of ass I want in this nation. It really is. And I want Kristen Stewart’s ass. That’s why I ran for office. You know, it doesn’t matter what Lincoln said in the Gettysburg Address because believe me, nobody writes speeches better than me, and I write them incredibly.
Where was I? In a larger sense, we can’t dedicate or even consecrate… consecrate? What does that mean? It could mean anything and nothing so I’ll just go ahead and move along. We can’t hallow this ground because a lot of brave, alive and dead people have seriously struggled here. And are we supposed to be proud of those guys who hallowed this ground? Because, really, I’m the most alive and dead man here—and you all know it! The only card those other bozos had was the brave card. They had nothing else to offer and frankly, that’s why everyone is more devoted to me than they were to Lincoln. Who’s devoted to me? Everyone. That’s right, that’s why those dead guys didn’t die for nothing.
Now that I’m here, I’m going to build the biggest, most tall freedom wall around this nation, I really am, and should my country be governed by the people? No! Seriously. Should it be for the people? Really, it should only be governed for me, because who’s more dedicated? Really, who? That’s right. Me.
So I’ll tell you what I’ll do. What will I do? I’ll finish this very incredibly great task before us so that those dead guys didn’t die for nothing. Will I perish from the earth? No, because I’m very strong, very, very smart, and Kristen Stewart loves me. Thank you very much. God bless you. Thank you.