The Exquisiteness of Chaos

(A largely rewritten entry) 

My body betrays me. That is the only way to describe my attachment to BDSM. My body does what my mind does not understand—it loves pain, exposure, grit, and sweat. It loves these things because they do more for me than a light touch ever will. My sexuality is radical, and it will want what it wants. I will never be the type to swathe myself in rainbows.

(Continued below)

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Darkness and I are like Bonny and Clyde. If I could butter my toast with the tears of a million weeping ghosts, I would. I have “The most disturbing books of all time” bookmarked for when I need reading material. As long as it makes me see demons behind my drapes, I want to read it. When there’s a storm, I’m watching movies scary enough to cause cardiac arrest. Fear is a mood and mind altering state that I’m addicted to. I’m not a fan of genuine trauma, but fictionalised gloom makes me feel fuzzy inside, and so does sexualised pain.

Even the food I cook has teeth. What good is curry if it doesn’t make you cry and give you a three-second high?

I can’t say what my attraction to despair is about. Maybe I’m a born Nietzschean. Maybe I’m pathological, but then again, maybe I’m not attracted to teddy bears and starlight because I am attracted to the authentic experience of living. I’m not interested in smiles. I’m interested in life, and that comes with beauty and ugliness.

Nietzsche said, “To survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.” I’m a writer, so of course I hunt for meaning in everything, but the habit has also been a necessary recovery tool. I had to learn how to feel comfortable with terrible things. That’s the only way any of us get to recover from trauma–by digging around in it until there’s nothing left to dig.

Nietzsche also said, “One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.” I think I like that explanation best of all. Sometimes, I am that star. Sometimes, it’s you. Sometimes, it’s an idea. Whatever it’s presenting itself as in the moment, I wouldn’t appreciate it quite so well without all this darkness.

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