Things That Will Happen on Our First Date

I’ll walk down the driveway in my suicide heels with absolute confidence, radiating the kind of poise you’d only expect to find on a fashion week catwalk… for three seconds. Then I will almost certainly sprain my ankle on my way to your car. This is completely intentional. A 2014 Cambridge University study proved that men are more likely to fuck women who trip on their shoes.

I will drink at least 143 cups of coffee. This is not my fault. I have Acquired Cappuccino Deficiency Syndrome, so if I don’t have coffee every 10 minutes, I turn green and start talking Latin.

(Continued below)


If you’re observant, you’ll notice that I’ll have mozzarella in my hair. This is 100% deliberate. I’m a cutting edge fashionista, and cheese makeup is this season’s new black.

I will frequently forget what I’ve started to tell you. This is my strategy for… ah, fuck. I’m running out of excuses—I mean reasons… Hey, look! Cute doggo across the street at 3 O’ clock!

Speaking of doggos, if there’s one in the vicinity of our date, I will abandon you and spend the entire meal with doggo. Doggos are awesome. You might not be awesome. The logic is impenetrable, and I’m nothing if not rational.

The acclaimed Dr Alexander Date found that men will be hypnotised into thinking you look exactly like Scarlet Johansen if you frequently change the subject in the middle of your own sentence, so that’s what I’ll do. I have a doctorate in dating behaviourism, and my techniques are extremely sophisticated. Trust the process.

If there’s a first kiss on the agenda, I will start behaving like Blake Lively in The Shallows when the shark is trying to eat her off the buoy. This is not because I’m terrified or don’t want to kiss you, I swear. It’s my appeal to your primal side. It really is.


2 thoughts on “Things That Will Happen on Our First Date

  1. Fascinating. Indeed, the ankle stuff works great, even for men. Unfortunately I lost interest when I arrived at the Scarlet Johansen part. In the event you’d be still interested, I’d prefer the Eva Green hypnotizing stuff. So if you can pull that one off, give me a ring. Not a real ring obvisiously, that would be way to soon, but a ring you make with a telephone. Like you I do love doggy, I enjoy a fair amount of coffee a day and I am quite primal.
    PS please find a couple of recent dick pics in the attachment. I trust you’ll find the one with the ejaculation fascinating.
    PSS No, I am not suffering from a horrible disease, I photoshopped Nutella in that ejaculation image because Fetlife says you love the stuff. The Nutella that is.

    Liked by 1 person

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