I first found submission away from Fetlife, so I felt free to be precisely who I was without the sense of duty this site is so heavy with. The world of kink opened up in front of me like an endless field, and I got to run as far and fast as I wanted. There were no True Subs there, no terms like ‘topping from the bottom’, and no dominants with piles of expectations and entitlements that rose higher than the moon. There was only me, my dominant, and our happiness.
Without that freedom, I would never have found out that sexual altruism was above me. I’d have thought I owed you self-sacrifice purely because I’m a sub. I’d be too busy bending under the will of peer pressure to explore D/s for pleasure’s sake.
On Fetlife, we like our subs to be passive and self-sacrificing. Me? I don’t get much out of sacrificing for duty’s sake so it’s just as well I got to cut and shape my submission like a bespoke suit crafted to fit me and only me. There was no Kool-Aid in my first D/s relationship. I got to wonder around this planet called power exchange and rummage in every corner, not just those corners that some Twue Dominant I’d never met said I could.
My first dominant was secure enough to give me that much freedom, and he had a damned good reason to: dominance that doesn’t restrict a sub tends to breed precisely the sub it wants. It makes us think we’re chasing our own pleasure, and therein lies the beauty of skilled dominants. They sculpt you and make you believe you did the sculpting.
The D-types with the stiffest expectations do themselves a huge disservice. The fragility of their egos can’t withstand a person who submits because it’s hot and not because they feel they’re required to obey. I wonder if they’re aware of how much they lose by being so legalistic. I wonder if they’re aware that a relationship like that takes away their dominance entirely. In that dynamic, the sub is giving away all their power, and the ‘dominant’ is doing no dominating at all. That is power bequest, not power exchange, so I won’t treat your ‘dominant’ role as though it’s worth more respect than any other kind of taker deserves. It’s pretty silly when you think about it that way.
My submission starts each relationship as a caterpillar. It doesn’t need any coaxing to turn into a butterfly. It only needs some love. Put the weight of duty onto me, though, and I will never fly—not for you, anyway. Butterflies fly; subs submit. That’s just what we do, so if you find yourself having to coax us to take wing, there is something wrong.
To defile Anne Sexton’s poem, My submission “is a great weight hung on a small wire. […] Love and a cough cannot be concealed. Even a small cough, even a small love. So if you have only a small wire, [a submissive] does not mind. [S]he will enter your hands as easily as ten cents used to bring forth a Coke“
Dominance is a gift. Legalism is not—it’s a burden. Want a filthy sub who’ll do anything for you? Then give us the wide-open sky.